to love for the hope of it all

i’m not sure why i let myself suffer the way i do. why i let myself face rejection time and time again, never really learning my lesson.

it’s akin to a child touching a barrel meant for curling hair: they’re not in charge of knowing whether it’s plugged in or not, unsure of its temperature until they touch it. when they burn themselves, that’s a lesson to not touch it again.

i’m a small stubborn child that can’t help but reach for it time and time again, pushing my luck as much as possible. hurting myself over and over again, with no one there to help with making the pain feel better after. everyone is sick of me touching the barrel and don’t know why i do it. everyone is (metaphorically) yelling at me to stop touching it.

i deserve a lot better than what he’s putting me through, but even more than that, i deserve a lot better than what i’m putting myself through. ruining perfectly good days by trying to include him when i know he doesn’t care. ruining my good mood and any real hope of feeling good about myself.

i don’t know what i’m constantly competing for. i don’t know what i’m fighting for anymore. a dysfunctional situation where a man can only fit me into his life rather than want me in it? who would want that for themselves? who would let themselves have it? why would anyone do that to themselves?

why do i do it to myself?

in the hopes of things suddenly changing completely? in the hopes of him developing or realising feelings? i know that i think i’m a work in progress, but i deserve far better than that. better than what he’s currently able to offer.

the hard part is that i know how good it could be if he would let himself care about me. how good it is when he does. but the reality is that he can’t bring himself to do it consistently, and the consequences on me aren’t fair.

i think waiting hurts too much to do.

happy first of october! although i could easily call september one of my favourite months of the year, october remains a strong contender. there’s just something about the autumn months that soothe me.

this october brings good albeit uncertain feelings. while i’m still not sure where exactly i stand in terms of feeling confident and happy about my friendships, they are withstanding this ambiguity. i seem to be finding a lot more comfort in the ‘que sera, sera’ mentality and being able to trust it. i remain in a transitionary period of my life where i’m re-establishing what i would like for myself, who i want to be, and how i want to achieve it; although this is temporarily stunted by my cycle and my want for solitude.

i suppose i should feel extremely confused and distraught about a.b.s., but frankly, i don’t. i’m just happy we’re in each other’s lives right now, to whatever capacity. once i acknowledged to myself (and a select few) that i could not actually be in a relationship with him right now without serious attempts at rebuilding trust (from his side) and effort ( – which he has no intention of putting in), it felt like a form of solution to my question. what do i want with him? i’m not sure. in a somewhat soothing way, he knows even less than i what is going on between us. the reality is that i could stay away if i wanted to, as i proved (albeit shortly) – which was a very important discovery. it still feels like there very much could be something good there, but it’s going to take a lot of work that i’m fairly certain he’s not ready to do yet. i also realised that his issue isn’t so much with me as a person or in a relationship, but with the general idea of one – i am not the reason he’s not been in one yet, that’s completely of his own doing. i’m sure that when he decides he’s ‘ready’ to, and finally is comfortable with the responsibility it brings and feels he deserves it, he’s going to be an amazing boyfriend. it’s completely up to me to decide if i want to wait that long. i am most likely pushing my luck a lil this week, as i have a tendency to do; but i don’t quite care about how it comes off anymore. i feel like i finally get to be myself around him with less pressure.

— — —

despite my overall lack of real motivation for the topics at this point in time, studying is going quite well! i think once i finish this (very long) phase of just sitting at my computer and writing out notes i’ll be able to enjoy the subjects a lot more. i’m looking forward to practicing the actual exam instead of just copying words, but i will admit that it’s working quite well so far. i should be finishing a second subject today. truth be told, 2/13 is not terrible at the moment. it’s a good starting point i can continue to build on.

i’m feeling really good about myself lately.

i feel i’ve made a lot of progress these last few weeks within my perception of myself and identifying my goals and personal growth in general. i’m really quite proud of myself 🙂

frankly, i’m also not certain that i’m in a place in my life to even be in a relationship. i really am enjoying my freedom and ability to live my life at home with zero judgment. i’m not completely over a.b.s., so it wouldn’t be fair for me to commit to someone else, but i also don’t really want him right now. i’m strangely enjoying this lil middleground. i’ll have plenty of time to be in a committed relationship in my life. although my rough timeline lingers, it doesn’t feel all-encompassing and so pressing – mind you, it is the middle of the day right now and rarely when i miss the feeling of a relationship. it is in the evenings that the longing kicks in. for the time being, i think i’m happy by myself.

i was close to deleting this entire blog as i wanted to start fresh. as i wanted a change in perspective, having noticed that i mainly use this blog to dump my thoughts about a.b.s. or just my love life as a whole. having told people about it at some point or another, i realised that i use it for performative reasons more than an actual place to dump my thoughts at times. the entire point was to be honest to myself. to have a way to express myself when i feel like i have no one to turn to.

i no longer wish to perform. i no longer wish to include messages in my posts, hoping that people see it. i strongly believe that nobody truly reads this blog anyway, but find myself censoring myself anyway (what a clunky sentence). i am thinking of switching back to paperback journaling. an environment where it truly is just for me. where i would have to sit down every morning or evening and carve out the time to write. where i can’t go back on my words trying to mince them or make them more appealing to read. i haven’t decided yet. i think i need a full mental reset, one that i hope birmingham will provide. i’m going to take the time to have a self-care tomorrow, trying to book as many superficial treatments as i can to appease my body as well as brain.

i just feel exhausted constantly. i know that change is meant to be hard, but this feels excruciating, and i’m not even sure why. i don’t know why i feel the way i do. why i can’t sleep peacefully, why i don’t want to eat, why i don’t particularly want to do anything. i think a personal audit over the weekend will serve me well. love you ari 🙂 you’re going to be okay. i’m going to be okay.

“Guess you know how long I can go without texting you now”

you still know how to break my heart. i still let you have that power over me apparently. an uncertain text followed by one i can only imagine you said in unconcerned jest despite how much i may wish it was an indication that you missed me. that’s what made me gasp. made me forget how to breathe for a second. that maybe you were insinuating that you missed me. that this was the longest you could go without reaching out because you missed me. i have to remind myself that you’re only that romantic in my head. you only send me secret signals hoping that i pick up on them in my head. you don’t actually contain that level of depth or care for me. you don’t mentally pray for me to understand you. if anything, you actively chase it away.

i could barely bear to talk to you on the phone. incorrect words tumbling out of my mouth before i can stop them, curious about how deep the lie that you tell yourself is this time. cruel words (at least, by my own standards) tumbling out because you still couldn’t bring yourself to verbalise anything real; any substantial.

perhaps that’s the issue after all – that we meant infinitely more to me than to you, and that i was nothing to you – maybe it is that simple. i find that hard to believe even now. i’ll never believe that i don’t mean anything to you. but you asked me to judge you based on your actions.

you told me to listen to them. you told me it was maybe best.

i’ve decided to give you what you always wanted from me. space. no insistence, no persistence, no pressure. i release you. i’m giving you what you wanted. you’ll always mean something to me, and this is my last act of love alex 🙂

— — — — — —

despite the amount of anxiety last night built in me, i’m really happy with myself right now. i miss people. i never enjoy having to let go, but i always say that i’m good at embracing change, knowing it’ll keep bringing good things into my life, and such is the case. i will always wish i could bring people on the journey with me, but they make it exceptionally hard to. i don’t wish to drag people with me. i want them to want to experience it with me because they feel i add to their own journey.

whatever is best, will happen. i need to stop forcing things so much. perhaps absence will may the hearts grow fonder; and if it doesn’t, it isn’t meant to.

“I thought you were gonna catch me
I never stopped falling for you
Now I know better, never let me
Leave home without a parachute

[…]

You could’ve told me not to do it, I would’ve run, I would’ve run
Tell me what was the moment you decided to give up
You could’ve told me what you wanted, I would’ve done, I would’ve done
Anything
I would’ve done anything“

(parachute – hayley williams)

i’ve been avoiding writing. i know this to be true. i suppose i’ve been avoiding putting into exact words everything i’m feeling – it’s been a week of vague answers about being upset or on the contrary, completely fine, without really letting myself think about it.

i wonder if it’s best to keep it that way; best to keep my feelings vague and distant about my friendships at the moment. i know things are over, and i feel that there’s no coming back from it really, not for me at least. matt could try to patch things up, but i’m not sure i would want to go back to the way things were. i don’t know how they would. alex is a whole other story altogether. i notice a lot more similarities than i originally thought, which i guess explains why they’re such good ‘friends’. alex likes to think he’s not as destructive as matt – he is. matt likes to think he’s not as detached from his life as alex – he is.

neither know how to care for someone other than themselves. not truly. one can pretend that it’s out of necessity for family, while the other feigns it’s for mental health, but the reality of it is that neither of them have developed the capacity to (yet, i hope).

— — —

i’ve always found it easy to part from people i do not believe are good. from people who i feel make their way through life hurting people, mercilessly, actively. i can put aside any other character flaws, and often find myself doing so, pretending that callous honesty or playful indignity is a show of closeness, a symbol of affection. i no longer wish to do this. to have to shrink myself to fit the needs of others when i’m simply trying to elate them; i shouldn’t have to.

i’ve long believed that there are times in my life where i grow as a person more than others, and end in my most upsetting situation – knowing i must leave people in my wake. this is a constant cycle in my life. i’ve known this one was coming to an end for awhile.

that i would have to let go of alex, finally releasing him from my persistent bids for love, and thus, my heart. i knew fairly early on that i was not meant to build my life with him, and yet i wanted to be wrong. i so desperately wanted to prove (to myself? to the world?) that i could be with him, happily. i knew that i couldn’t. not the way that i found him, or what he developed to me. he could have been the ideal man – the ideal boyfriend, fiance, and eventually husband. he could. he wasn’t, he isn’t. he never wanted to be.

the subtleties of my friendship with matt and its dying embers over the last year is a whole story altogether. one i do not wish to delve into at the moment. particularly because i have yet to decide what the outcome of this entire thing will be – what i actually want from it. i know that things will not feel the same, but i am unsure how much leniency i must refrain myself from. only time will tell.

— — —

as for the object of my admiration since the moment i met him, who i thought could be the greatest man that i’d know, the subject of my dreams and nightmares for the last year and a half or so; i know i can’t come back from this. not really. i could never trust him again. i knew i couldn’t after new years but hoped he would not force the situation to end this way, i hoped he’d want to rebuild. or rather, he’d offer the first block in rebuilding like he usually does, give me a blueprint to operate with, a sketch of restoration. instead, upon seeing my plans, decided to bulldoze whatever was left, unsure whether or not he still intended to use, or wanted, the plot of land. (have i just compared myself to a plot of land? quite beautifully actually)

the land we would’ve built our future on is poisoned. by his lies, by his empty words, by his failed attempts at being what i needed. note that i didn’t say wanted, as all i actually wanted was him. with his flawed, questionable nature. with his contempt for most things, even me. i simply wanted him. i wanted the man he was becoming. he picked an altogether different path for myself, and i wish him the best. i do not wish to see it. i do not wish to experience his destruction any longer, in any capacity. he never let me as his girlfriend or lover, and i do not wish to lessen myself to see his endless drinking and bad decisions by way of friendship. i have asked for enough. i deserve more.

— — —

i miss him in my life sometimes, a byproduct of entertaining my thoughts about him for so long. the situation saddens me, as i never wished to have to part from him, especially as such. but i know i must. i cannot endure this pain any longer. i won’t.

i may continue writing after my mother leaves in a few hours. i shall see.

i could never marry or spend my life with someone who is okay with hurting me. that’s my decree. i could not be happy with someone like that. not truly.

thus, there is no point continuing to harbour feelings for a.b.s. or anything of the sort, as i know that there is no use in the long term.

hence, it is time to let him go.

it’s time to put myself and my happiness first. to make space for my future spouse to fill; or at the very lease, for new experiences and lessons.

i don’t deserve to be hurt the way he continuously hurts me. every bid for reassurance unmet, every caring action questioned.

i think i realised why i was stressed so much less when away from london: i can’t really fall victim to any of his thoughtless, on-a-whim actions. although i can ask for reassurance or flirt through the phone, the actual physical risk of rejection of some sort does not exist. i do not have to live the physical embarrassment of, yet another, unsure or careless answer. experiencing it again tonight after so long felt enlightening. like i could not imagine what i do it for anymore.

he’s not the alex i met. he’s not the alex i fell in love with. what am i holding onto? a memory of when he cared? an idea i have of him? a possible future? he’s squandered all of the chances i’ve ever given him.

“i don’t know why i still ask you these questions [those begging for reassurance]. some variation of asking if you care and the answer always being that you’re unsure or not reall” – of course i know why i keep asking. i’m hoping that your answer will change someday. that one day you’ll turn around and actually care about me the way i want you to – you won’t.

i worry that i’m not capable of giving or receiving love, while chasing a man that knows he’s not capable at the moment, but doesn’t want to do anything about it. i can’t force him to.

it’s time to put this, and myself, to bed.

tomorrow (later saturday) will be a full day around his family. i’m starting to forget why i decided to put myself through it.

listening to: the last time by taylor swift (original version).

it felt so serious i needed to find the original version of the song lmao. i’m not sure what i’m feeling. right now, mostly abandoned by anyone who claims to care about me i suppose. i keep wondering why i put myself through the things i do, including something as basic as friendships i have with people.

i almost put ‘maintain’, but i suppose it always feels like the other person is the one ‘maintaining’ me and not vice versa. like i’m always somehow asking for too much. a.b.s. is not the only person. everyone talks about ‘what i deserve’ while also actively making me feel like shit and justifying it with ‘that’s how they are’, especially m.c.

i’m losing track of what friends are meant for. because i was still under the impression they were there to enjoy your time with, to be able to rely on if you needed to, that they qualified as someone who cares about you. i don’t think i’ve felt that in a lil while. partly because i put myself in situations where i can’t ever believe the genuinity of their actions or words.

i hate that i continuously have to give a.b.s. chances, time and time again, because it never feels like he appreciates them. he’s not the only one. reaching out to anyone anymore doesn’t yield anything positive. i just sit here feeling like shit while they continue to not care.

i have no doubt that all these feelings are currently heightened by how my family make me feel, and the glass of champagne i’ve had, but they deserve to be taken into consideration. i don’t even think i particularly enjoy drinking anymore. i think i’ve grown to associate it so much with a.b.s. as it became the only way he wanted me, that i’ve realised now, while away from him, that i don’t particularly enjoy it. perhaps it’s because he’s constantly on my mind when i do drink. but i would argue that he is, unfortunately, most of the time anyway.

i don’t feel i can truly enjoy any good moments experienced with him right now. i just keep thinking about how comfortable he is hurting me. i have no doubt that it’s adding to the internal conflict. as much as i may want to remain optimistic and open to exploring new dynamics as i improve in ways i want, i can’t ignore the fact that he is okay with hurting me. with disappointing me.

i can’t tell if it’s because he feels he can get away with doing so, or if he can’t really help himself. i don’t know which one would be worse.

— — — — —

i chose to play ‘the moment i knew’ and just realised that it echoes how i felt on new year’s eve, not being able to celebrate it with a.b.s.. i remember just feeling so alone. i think i tried to put a positive spin on it on actual new year’s, including in my own blog post and in my mind; because dealing with the fact that he had hurt me as much as he did, with little to no regret, was really difficult. it still is. it makes a real future between us unimagineable. it makes it hard to believe that he’s as good of a person as i always claim he is. because someone who cares about me would never do that to me. i would never do that to him.

i think that sort of solidifies something i’ve known for a long time. that he’ll never care about me enough. that this is futile. completely.

i chose to play ‘loml’.

—- —- —- —-

this isn’t even particularly about him. or caused by him. but it’s hard to feel happy with the people in your life at the moment when none of them make you feel cared for. and don’t mind that you feel that way.

— — — — —

I’m lonely but I’m good
I’m bitter but I swear I’m fine
I’ll save all my romanticism for my inner life and I’ll get lost on
purpose
This place made me feel worthless
Lucid dreams like electricity, the current flies through me,
and in my fantasies I rise above it
And way up there, I actually love it

(i hate it here, taylor swift)

i think that everything is going well and i feel okay, but I blink and suddenly i feel like a teenager again, staring out onto my balcony wondering why the hell i feel so lonely.

wondering when someone will look at me with love in their eyes. when i’ll be enough for someone without having to prove it first. wondering when the next time someone will kiss me because they can’t help themselves not to. when someone will want me for me.

it’s over 10 years later and i’m still not able to shake the feeling of loneliness. one occurrence of unanswered text and without even meaning to. my chest feels heavy, i feel alone. i feel abandoned, i feel fragile, i feel empty and i feel embarrassed.

i told myself i wasn’t going to let myself go back to thinking about a.b.s. the way i do because it does me no good. i took a chance and sent a flirty text to receive a compliment a return, and then getting ignored the rest of the evening. feeling ignored by someone still triggers such deep-rooted sentiment in me: that i did something wrong, that the person dislikes me, that i ruined something, that i’m annoying the person.

still all i can worry about is if people like me. i don’t even know who’s validation i’m seeking anymore. it feels like i’m just chasing this idea, that everyone will love me and i can’t ruin things, that keeps getting more and more distant. impossible to ever realise as i am destined to find a way to ruin things.

—- —- —-

i like to think about a not-so-distant future where i no longer feel these things to this degree, particularly not about my romantic life. i whisper into the wind about a man who wants to deal with me, no matter what, all the time. a man that always makes sure i’m feeling alright, and that i know i’m cared for.

i know he’s on his way somewhere. that he’s destined for me the way i am for him. that i will find him eventually. and knowing that provides me some form of peace. provides me with the at least comforting knowledge that even though i feel this way now, as a trauma response, this feeling will not last. the loneliness will not last. when it does come, it’s going to be more lovely than i could have ever imagined.

i used to think a.b.s. could be that person at times. especially before the events following preston. that i could learn to adapt to the communication style and need for space because he equally cared about my needs and wants. i know now this was never the case. i was to him what i am to most, a placeholder.

everything has become so complicated now. so conflicting. as much as i care about him i am constantly reminded that i am not accorded the same level of kindness and care. he doesn’t mind hurting me. although he may regret it and feel guilty after, it never stops him. the hurtful words still spill out of his mouth, whether to express the truth or out of panic and fear. i used to think the reason behind them was the most important thing, holding on the idea that he was pushing me away because he was scared. this remains true. it is also true that i don’t deserve it.

i don’t deserve to have my heart broken whenever he chooses i’m no longer a convenience he wishes to experience.

the main issue is that i don’t believe him to be that cruel, if i did, i never would have had feelings for him. so i can’t commit to detaching myself completely.

—- —- —- —- —-

sam is essentially trying to talk me through a therapy session because i reached out, but little does he know i already therapise everything in my head. i adore sam but the conversation has just made me remember why i don’t like going to people for advice anymore: it’s the same generic stuff that i already know and doesn’t particularly help.

his advice only serves to makes me realise how differently i think and the amount of grace i allow people. i know that what should follow is a comment on how i accord much too much grace and should stop, but i have already established it’s something i like about myself.

i’m too optimistic. i care about things too deeply. i give people too many chances. chances they sometimes don’t deserve.

—- —- —-

i miss my future husband right now. he would either be here staying up with me in bed reading or watching something, or just playing with my hair in bed; or asleep back home not knowing any of this is happening, but will be checking on me in the morning and then realising that i had difficulty sleeping and talking me through it.

—- —- —-

all people’s advice recently revolves around how i would be better off detaching and saving myself the hurt and worry. i don’t think people realise the effect it actually has for me to receive that information. honestly, part of me always just wants to prove them wrong. the other part knows there’s truth to it. i don’t know which side i’m supposed to listen to.

i think i’m done asking people for advice on my life.

—- —- —- —-

13:23 pm:

i stopped writing coherently somewhere in there.

i had an overreaction yesterday to an occurence that triggered an old trauma response. i still need to learn how to actually stop those patterns in a productive way. in the quickest lil summary, i still need to stop overreacting to things.

that being said, i think i figured out why i keep getting so affected by these lil occurences, although not particularly logical in the moment – actions do not exist in a vaccuum. when i feel rejected or ignored or cast aside by a.b.s., it’s because he has made me feel that way a number of times over the last year. because it has happened before. because last time i was completely vulnerable and open he spent a week with another girl, in another country, on another continent.

i keep being terrified of him hurting me because he’s repeatedly shown me it’s something he’s able to do. which should really null any reason i have for ever letting him.

i don’t know. i don’t really want to have to decide whether or not he’s worth the effort because i think it’s crazy to assess a person that way. i suppose i’ll just focus on his actions from now on and act accordingly. i have my own priorities i must concentrate on.

after all, i’m going to pass my bar exam in january 😀

it’s been slowly approaching. i’ve been feeling good. i can feel the good things coming my way. the achievements i’m going to celebrate, the people i’m going to do so with, the happiness and joy incoming.

i’ve been keeping a list since the beginning of the year of days that feel ‘fated’ – that just feel different and special. i can’t pinpoint what the feeling is exactly, as it’s never the same; it’s just a knowledge that the date will matter in the future. so far, that lists consists of:

• friday, february 21st
• monday, june 2nd
• (saturday, june 5th)
• thursday, july 24th
• tuesday, august 12 & wednesday, august 13
• (friday, august 22nd)

i’m very good at keeping track of memorable dates: birthdays, anniversaries, celebrations. they’re some of the only things i’m actually able to keep track of consistentely. i always wonder if any of these ‘fated days’ represent something like my wedding anniversary, of the birthday of one of my future children. i love thinking that they hold such significance to me in the future that i’m somehow able to feel that joy and emotion retrospectively. (i suppose that actually proves that i believe in fate & a sort of predestined timeline – i knew i somewhat did, but this solidifies it).

it’s days where life just feels different, for no particular reason. they don’t seem to coincide with any other event that would cause that dopamine rush (e.g., date or conversation planned or anything), but seem to hold significance all on their own. how lovely 😀

it always creeps up on me, never lasting the entire day.

today hasn’t felt particularly special at all, dull if anything actually.

i must get ready to go to dinner to celebrate my belated birthday with family – i may continue to write later, although we shall see. i’ve been feeling happy lately, always evidenced by my lack of entries here.