to love for the hope of it all

for a.b.s., i’m not sure i want you to read it though my love. i don’t want you to think of me as a bad person.

it’s 2 am. i’m in bed but my mind is elsewhere. my mind is on the freckle under your left shoulder blade on your back, and whether or not you’ve slept enough recently. my mind is on if you’ve gotten a chance to talk about your grief while also managing everyone else’s, and whether you’ve thought of me at all.

i find myself torn between being understanding and being selfish, even if just for show. i understand why we’ve not spoken this week; that doesn’t change that i wish we had. doesn’t change that i wish that even when things are difficult for you, i’m on your mind. i don’t know if this week has proved that i’m not, or that even if i am you have difficulty reaching out; but i don’t think it makes a difference.

it doesn’t even really make a difference if you texted her in south korea more often than you texted me, because the reality maintains that we barely spoke. i both do and don’t have a right to feel the way i do. maybe a right to feel it but not to share it – i haven’t decided yet.

i don’t even know how you feel at the moment. i don’t know if you’re grieving or just worried about getting back to work (although, i do know of course because i know you. do you know me?).

this feels like a good space to share feelings that i probably won’t express to you. people tell me i should be angry. people tell me that this should be the final line in the story of us. i’m not angry. i just wish you would feel comfortable being yourself with me. i love you.

i’m not saying that i’m in love with you.

i’m not sure i know what that feels like, really. nor do i plan on unpacking that all right now. i don’t think i really know as much as i like to think i do. i just know i care about you; and i want you to care about me as well.

i know you do. but i wish you’d find a way to do it in a way that feels real for both of us. your ‘own special way’ only matters if the message you’re trying to get across reaches me.

[the song message in a bottle by the police popped into my head earlier while writing this post and has been stuck in my head since]

i’m just a little upset. i’m worried about you. i miss you. i hope i’m on your mind.

///

while simultaneously feeling these things, i also feel guilty for not being able to table my insecurities and anxieties for your sake. is that what people are supposed to do? i hate myself for not being able to give you space to process what you need to alone. i hate that i can’t be what you ‘want’ me to be. i hate that you find it so difficult to stay in touch and update me. do i not cross your mind at all?

i’ve been sleep deprived this week busying my brain with worries about how you are, and trying to deal with my seemingly endless internal dialogue (this doesn’t even cover part of it unfortunately). i think i just needed to vent, in a way that doesn’t involve me hearing that i should let you go, because i still really don’t want to. i’m sorry if that’s what you want from me. the thought that you do really upsets me. i’m terrified that after getting to know me so well, you’ve decided you don’t like what you see. that’s why i don’t usually let people in like i have you. maybe i shouldn’t have.

///

goodnight ariana, get some rest. it always does you a world of good. i love you.

i have a lot to write about.

i don’t particularly feel like going into all of it right now, as a lot of it is layered with feelings and thoughts i have yet to completely work out, but i have some initial, pertinent ones to share now.

i started watching parks and recreation again and have been reminded of how nice it is to have hope in the world. how lovely it is to approach life with a clear mindset on how you plan to achieve your goals, and how much work it requires (that isn’t necessarily boring or mindnumbing). leslie knope manages to find a way to get everything that needs to be done in a day (and more), while maintaining a positive attitude and a unwavering belief in herself.

those are the things i feel i have lost. i find general, basic tasks in the day uninteresting (at the moment especially) and like a waste of time, without replacing that time with anything useful – there are a million activities / hobbies i was hoping to do in the free time i find myself enjoying, but i have yet to tackle any. i don’t watch new films or shows alone. i eat the same things on repeat when dining alone. i find no joy in a clean environment unless accompanied. i don’t feel like i’m living for myself at the moment. i think i barely feel like i’m living at all.

i was making such good strides in not centering my life around other people (so i thought) but without my friendships to tether myself, my life sorta just revolves around nothing.

i don’t feel i have any ambition left. which i really hate about myself at the moment. i’ve always been ambitious; i’ve always had things i wanted to achieve and more than that, a plan on how to achieve them. i assume it must be because i achieved all of the short term things i had planned on achieving: getting into mcgill, moving to canada, living in montreal, spending time with nana and stepan dede, graduating, moving to london, studying law; all while pursuing my larger goal of an eventual family with children (as i was non-stop in relationships during that entire time).

now – while i know that my goals are to pass my bar, start working and form a meaningful relationship; they feel so much more abstract. i don’t feel i know how to achieve the things i want to do; or even more than that, if i have what it takes in me to achieve them.

the goal of making significant friendships comes to mind: while i do want to make new friends that will enrich my life with interesting conversation and activities – it doesn’t always feel like i can do that without walking away from my current group of friends, which feels really difficult.

///

it turns out it’s harder to restart at 25 than it is at 18. i didn’t really know that 😦

///

my love life is a large question mark with no sign of resolution besides having to walk away from someone i care about. i’ve become so focused with the importance of romance in my life that it feels sometimes like i’ve just fully forgotten there’s more to life. i’ve spent all of mine thinking of other people and how to help them and serve them and fit into their life that i forgot to think about what i wanted for mine. when i think about what i want, it only really concerns other people – a husband who loves me, kids i can take care of, friends who like spending time with me, a job that makes me enough money to be financially stable enough to pay for things for people. none of that is actually concerning me. it’s not that i’m healthy. or happy. or successful. or wealthy (for my own sake). or anything that’s really in my control.

all of the goals i want to achieve (that i name at the moment) are not in my full control, and it makes their pursuit so much more difficult. mcgill and moving to montreal was for me. everything in montreal was for me. moving to london was for me. i don’t know if studying law feels like it is; i remain unsure on my own reasoning for choosing the field most of the time. is thinking you’d be good at something enough reason to pursue it? is hoping you can make some form of change, mostly in order to feel like your life has meaning, enough reason?

///

i think the truth is that since meeting a.b.s., someone i feel really compatible with, i find it hard to remember to prioritise anything but love. it’s all i’ve ever wanted. just to feel loved, truly. never getting it from him gives me something to ‘pursue’, to ‘chase’ – which while i hate doing, i suppose is the only thing i really know how to do; going for what i want.

my future career scares me. failing my exam again scares me. needing to restart with someone entirely and opening up to them and everything all over again, with the risk of being ‘wrong’ like i was in the past scares me. the continuing rejection i face with a.b.s. is familiar; and i wonder if that’s the only reason i stick to it sometimes. some filthy need for approval from someone else. a disgusting need for validation from someone that doesn’t know how to give it.

i’m good at surrounding myself with people who make me feel just enough to get through the day until i realise i want more and attempt to ‘restart’ my life, leaving them in the past. when they stop serving that purpose, i tell myself that i’ve outgrown them with all of the progress i’ve made, disproportionately to the way that they’ve evolved. i think the truth is that i know people only really like me for a short amount – or do i like them only for that amount until the veil finally lifts itself and i see them for who they are rather than who i want? i don’t know anymore. people like me when i’m palatable, easy – easy to handle, easy to use, easy to hurt. i serve a purpose then.

i don’t know that i am aware of who i am when i’m not simply trying to prove a purpose to someone else. i worry it’s the only thing i know how to do.

///

i know that my continuation here should be hopeful about my ability to change myself for the better and ‘rediscover’ who i am and everything else that self help books preach. but right now at least, at almost 1 am on a random tuesday/wednesday, i’m not capable of doing so.

all i can think about right now is wonder about where i’ve gone ‘wrong’ to get to here right now. i don’t know a version of me who hasn’t prioritised other people, even as a young child – a version that didn’t try to appease all of the adults growing up, doing anything to ease their lives; a version who didn’t bake for every birthday in high school in order to make closer friends and seek validation from everyone; a version who didn’t do everything possible for the sorority to prove they could be useful in an attempt to finally feel they belonged somewhere; a version who doesn’t check their phone constantly hoping they’ve received a text back from someone they care about, or doesn’t get ready for every pub / activity outing trying to look good enough to be worthy of attention or affection that evening.

there hasn’t a version of me that doesn’t try so unbelievably hard to feel normal, worthy of love or desirable; usually ending in some form of failure anyway.

i’ve never been a natural; all i do is try, try try.

///

while i like watching leslie knope show time and time again that it’s worth trying and things can get done and all the trouble is worthwhile. it looks exhausting. it feels exhausting and it is. to care so much constantly and not get much in return; to not have much to show for it at the end of the day. i get into the same bed. alone. cold. hoping that tomorrow will be better and i’ll somehow feel fulfilled. and i never really do.

how i feel about people can’t keep overriding the way they treat me.

i made the choice at 19 to cut contact with ela despite her being my best friend for years because i could tell it wasn’t going anywhere positive for either of us, and i subsequently relinquished my other friends in istanbul.

i cut contact with what was my sorority (and really at that point, what was my life) because i was continuously being overlooked and undermined.

as much as my heart sometimes years for people i used to know, they’re just memories. memories i remember fondly and in times of weakness, wish i could return to. those people don’t exist anymore in the way i used to know them.

—

i don’t really recognise the friends i used to know as m.c. or a.b.s.. the first has created a gap that even i don’t see the need in closing anymore, openly admiting as recently as yesterday night that ‘we’re just like everyone else know. our friendship used to mean something but know it’s just average!’.

i love to blame myself for ruining things, genuinely finding joy in finding yet another reason to dislike myself; but i need to genuinely evaluate the idea that i pick the wrong people. to befriend, to date, to love. i keep picking people to whom i don’t mean much.

after a millionth attempt to explain to a.b.s. that i deserve something, i don’t see the point anymore. it’s all in vain. i force myself so hard to overcome my own fear of vulnerability and intimacy, and it’s completely lost on someone who just doesn’t care. [listening to cellophane by fka twigs seems fitting right now, so i’ve got a great soundtrack to lament my life choices to at the very least]

—

i always hate that stupid water in a cup analogy you see online about people’s capacity to provide care / attention or really anything; but it reminds me time and time again that it’s relevant for a reason. if i have a tall, full glass of love to give, even a small percentage of that seems overwhelming to someone with a shorter glass – it overflows their emotional capacity. similarly, when they try pouring their water into my cup, it never quite feels satiating compared to the available ‘space’. [terrible exaplanation because it’s more of a visual really but oh well this is my space anyway]. we’re just different people.

i keep asking for something that a.b.s. doesn’t know (or want) to give at the moment, and keep being disappointed. it’s been months of ‘being clear’, and ‘explaining myself’ and the truth is that nothing has changed. he hasn’t tried to be more attentive or ‘care’ (i hate that any and all feelings have been reduced to one word because it’s more palatable to someone who struggles with emotion). he’s shown time and time again that he’s not able or willing (the second being the truth, but i like to at least entertain the idea of the first one to make myself feel better); so why do i keep waiting for him to do it? it’s stupidity.

—

alibis by mariana’s trench seems to really be reasonating with me right now.

“But I’m in the same place I used to be
But I’m trying harder not to be

This is not the man I hoped to be
And I’m just trying to stop the bleeding
I don’t know how to word it
I just started to deserve it.”

i’m honestly too tired to go through a whole evaluation of the person i’ve become right now. i’m sleep deprived and sad and i don’t want to actively feel worse about myself right now.

—

i’m no longer asking for things that i know i won’t receive. i’m too tired to keep asking for people to care about me. everyone can just do what they want from now on. if that means spending a number of my evenings for the foreseeable future at home alone, then so be it (i can grind valorant at least i guess lol). it feels worse to keep hoping people will make an effort for me, than it is to just move on and wish that things had been different; so i guess that’s it.

i almost downloaded hinge tonight (as in, 20 minutes ago). i rationalised during my late night shower that i wouldn’t be doing anything ‘wrong’ with regards to a.b.s., especially considering that we’re nothing but ‘friends’ at the moment. i thought of myself being clear on my profile that i’m looking for my future husband and trying to think of how i would want to present myself to him. pondering which hobbies and interests to put, thinking of which pictures portray me best, curating how i would want him to think of me.

it only took me to insert my name that i remembered just how little i want to do this.

just how little i want to move on from things with a.b.s. and pretend they didn’t or don’t matter to me. i can try to avoid it however i’d like, but the reality of my attraction for him doesn’t go anywhere.

i’m hoping for a quick route to a destination i’ve always wanted to arrive to: marriage. i’m hoping that the universe will one day drop the man who i’m supposed to be with forever in front of me, and he’ll know just like i will that we were meant to find each other.

i don’t think that’s how it works.

i’ve known for awhile that my younger desires surrounding a romantic relationship were extravagant and fairy-tale-like at best, toxic and manipulative at worst. i tend to expect too much of people because although the men that i choose rarely actually do, i always think they’re capable of better. i think that’s the crux really of my problem with the opposite gender. i hope for them to be better than they present. i see a man with obvious red flags: controversial political opinions, usually a penchant for narcissism and an already apparent lack of care for me; and expect him to treat me well. hope that i can bring out the ‘best’ side of him. truth is, there usually isn’t much to bring out. and yet i hope and hope and try and try anyway. i bleed my sanity dry trying to understand why i can’t bring it out in them. why they can’t be an ideal version of themselves for me.

i will say, i feel i’ve easily been the most understanding and compassionate with a.b.s., and most of what i’ve gotten in return is embarrassment and hurt. i asked him earlier if he’d ask me random questions while playing a game, in hopes of not only distracting me from my own impulse of blurting out whatever detrimental question is on my mind, but also encouraging him to learn more about me. he refused. when i asked if he was ever curious about things relating to me, he told me he was. i think he realised during that conversation how little he actually does enquire about me on a day-to-day basis.

he knows how i feel about the american military complex, and what i think about the importance of digital privacy (both things that occasionally interest him); but how much does he know about the simple random things?

does he know that my favourite colour combination is green and purple / pink? or that my childhood stuffed animal was one i received for being the most well-behaved in class when i was 5? does he know that the pink axolotl i sleep with every night is called iris (something i named with my ex and always hated)? does he know that i pin my hair up into a messy ponytail when i’m home alone or cooking? does he know that i like starting my day with uplifting music to get in a good mindframe? and that i hate feeling dirty or sweaty?

does he know i miss playing tennis? that i miss the tennis summer camps i used to as a child in montreal? that i miss playing cards with my grandparents every single weekend? that i miss feeling ‘at home’ every single day?

[i’ve gone on an entirely separate tangent i fear. i do wonder if he knows that i sometimes carry the regret of having left my grandparents in montreal and often wonder what my life would look like if i stayed there. or if i finally gave up on my dreams in this country, and him, and left.]

does he know that i hate the colour orange for no real reason? or that i think i’m slightly allergic to kiwi (with no real proof)? or more relevant even, that i used to only get sushi as a teenager to celebrate events with my mum, so everytime i order it for myself it reminds me of her and that’s part of why i do so often?

more than that, does he care? does anyone?

there’s a quote i read awhile ago that always resonates when i ruminate about this:

I have dreams of you asking me better questions. Your desire to know more makes the love feel fuller. Then I open my eyes and you’re never as curious as I want

[turns out by the way, this is from a random post on tumblr. i’m not sure why but that feels incredibly fitting considering how formative the entire platform was for me as a teenager. and more than that, that a random person from a random place in the world has had the exact same feeling as i have: a comforting thought.]

—

my brain has the unfortunate skill of remembering details that hurt me (i’m not sure if that’s meant to be a coping mechanism or a survival one). after hearing that a.b.s. finds conversation with the woman in s.k. to be ‘vapid’ (an incredulously rude way of talking about a woman you’ve slept with and are actively keeping contact with), i wonder if it’s just because she doesn’t really make an effort to maintain conversation with him the way that he was used to / is with me.

i realised quite awhile ago that while i may like my friends as individual people, a.b.s. included, the time spent together is enjoyable because i try my best to make it so. i try to create interesting conversations and make sure everyone is included (aka not too niche of a topic even though i prefer those discussions with a.b.s.). i try to think of activities to do, even if just sat at a pub, to make the entire experience more enjoyable.

as conceited as this is going to sound: i think i often confuse the fun or interesting time i create for the person i’m with being fun or interesting, and then i’m disappointed that they’re not. i eventually realise at some point that they’re not really as enjoyable as i thought they were.

with a.b.s., i don’t know if it’s just the recent lack of effort that makes it so, or if the appeal is just starting to wear off because maintaining a relationship i’m happy with has become too difficult. it’s become too hard to ignore that he’s still in contact with her. that he’s bad at checking in on me. that he has difficulty expressing how he feels. it feels like a number of things that once didn’t really bother me simply because they were him are coming back in full force to remind me why it’s a better idea to stop romantic involvement (and potentially, friendship). despite telling him that i want him to make an effort, he can’t. whether that’s because he doesn’t want to or simply doesn’t know how to doesn’t really make a difference. even when i ask for something as simple as follow-through on something he already wants to do.

god even thinking about that situation just pisses me the fuck off. how goddamn childish and stubborn for no reason can you be? the person whose company you probably enjoy the most is asking you to stop contact with someone that you admit there’s no point in talking to and it’s a dragged out problem? and now i’m supposed to be waiting for you to ‘decide what to do’ (what the fuck does that even mean) without opening my mouth for clarity.

[i’m actually genuinely annoyed because it feels SO unfair to treat me like that after i’ve done my best to express how i feel. to just throw everything back in my face with the only defense being ‘i don’t want you to wait, just do your thing’ – YOU are part of that you absolutely fucking moron. you’re what i want. a less fucked up version of this.]

—

i’ve gotten so incredibly off base. this was originally supposed to be a reflection on how i have to learn to be patient and look forward to receiving what i am asking for from the universe. i am asking for a good man to be my future husband and father of my children. if that is a.b.s., then he will find it in himself to be a good man to me and treat me well (sooner rather than later); if he isn’t, then the universe will help me get over him and ultimately find the man i’m supposed to be with. it is as simple as that. it is so because i said. it’s that easy.

i strive to be good. in all that i do. i try to show up for people and be supportive and caring, even when it’s the difficult thing to do.

i deserve good things. i deserve to get everything i want. and i will. i already have so far. good things flock to me. i attract positivity and success in all of my actions. good things are coming.

—

i am going to sleep 😀 goodnight ari, love you!

(that took almost an hour to write, with a break to use the toilet & enjoy taylor swift’s iheartradio awards wins and happiness through my phone screen)

my days feel boring and repetitive. it continues to feel like my life is just on pause at the moment. most likely, my impending period is to blame for it; but that’s hard to remember when experiencing the moment.

i’d like to reset my house as much as i can tomorrow, as some organisation and clarity will do me the most good possible.

for all intents and purposes, i have specific requests to the universe for my future husband as i deserve to have somebody to share my life with:

+requirements: kind, intelligent, ambitious, carries out what he says he will, respectful, funny, likes talking to me, decisive, cares about me, family values, sweet, appreciates the things i do for him, good with pets and babies, good at communication (keeping me updated on things because he knows i prefer to be), attentive, has hobbies, is interesting, can stand up for me when needed, has some sort of life plan / clear idea of what he wants his life to look like, finds me interesting, finds me attractive

+requests: will play tennis and badminton, good with plants, likes reading, interested in tech (somewhat), on the tidy-side, same taste in decor (cottage-ish), not picky with food, similar music taste, good friends, has a strong sense of self, knows how to manage money, is handy / knows how to do a large range of things, good fashion sense

+physically: brunette, nice kind eyes, nice teeth + smile, taller than me (however much)

+things he would do include: cooking with me, sharing books and ideas, watching movies and shows together, will try new hobbies / classes with me, enjoys traveling with me, makes sushi at home with me

—

i’m sure there’s slightly more on the list, and i’ll add to it if i see fit; but i realised that i don’t have anything relating to money (meaning having any / financial spoiling). i also notice that there is a LOT on this list that a.b.s. fits, and frankly he’s always fit quite a lot of what i’ve always wanted in a partner. i think that’s the main reason it’s gone on this long between us. writing this also makes me realise the things that could be missing – things that if i’m being honest, i don’t think would be much of a change, but that he’d be willing to ‘improve’.

similarly, i have to continue improving and changing the things i want to about myself so that when our paths cross, i can be who i’d like to be. i will be making my own list in the next few days and concretely take steps in the right direction.

i keep forgetting how much agency i have in my life. i think keeping it in mind instead of letting other people completely dictate my life is what i must do from now on; more than ever.

—

relevantly, i forgot how easy men are. i suppose i’ve actively tried to act ‘good’ so long i forgot that the world isn’t. i forgot that you can’t just trust anyone with anything anymore. especially not men.

‘are you happy with [insert thing i’m actively unhappy with and want to change]’ works simply because they like to feel like they’re the one in charge of the decision. even after expressing that i felt guilty and wanted a change because i subconsciouly do know i shouldn’t be lowering myself to this situation, nor letting someone else be unknowingly involved; i doubt he thought much of the fact i brought up the topic besides that ‘it’s been on my mind’. i wouldn’t say it was particularly cunning of me, nor that i really wanted to go through with it, because i knew that it would make me feel a certain type of way (what that way is, i’m not sure yet); but this new situation is better for the both of us.

he can come to the conclusion he wants to be with me all by his own, and i can learn to recenter the focus of my life to myself. regardless of timing, both of those things need to happen. i need to learn that my favourite person in the world is myself; not anyone else. although i do enjoy a.b.s.’ company and conversation, it’s also objectively fact that i am the one who leads conversations, initiates activities and basically dictates the time we have. i’m the one in charge. that’s what i get for pursuing more laidback type of men that don’t mind going through life. i like that about them. i love that about him. he can focus on the task at hand, let things roll off his back and remain calm. i admire the tranquility – how simple it appears to simply live.

i know that isn’t really me.

for the time being, i’ve achieved the result i wanted without feeling incredibly vulnerable again. let him ‘lead’ the conversation and situation. it suits us both. i’m not entirely sure how self-destructive it is yet, as i know that this is also my twisted attempt at ruining things before he can. he’s not really the one who chose to leave things until he figures things out. i prefer him thinking he does. it makes sure that i can’t go back on how i feel about not having an active romantic relationship until he does.

—

i’m aware that most of this narrative is also just coping with whatever more negative feelings i’m experiencing at the moment, even though i do know it’s best for me. best for both of us really.

i love him.

i’m not sure to what extent, if i’m in love or not. because i don’t feel i could if i don’t trust him. it’s not ‘safe’ to be, so i can’t allow myself to be. it’s as easy as that (maybe). it has to be that simple. i’m making it so.

distance will help us in completely opposite ways. while the time away may make him feel closer to me, or at least create the desire to; it may cause the opposite in me, which is what i need. my only focus must be myself. myself and my exams and my daily life.

—

i talk so much and so decisively for somebody who can never tell where her head is actually at; considering i can never tell whether to let my head or heart lead my actions. i don’t think it matters in this case. the lack of intimacy will be better for both parts of me. as much as i continue to care about him.

i have to be the most important person in my life.

the more i feel my life getting repetitive and monotonous, the more i feel the urge to write. i tend to withdraw from even myself in an attempt to protect myself from the things preoccupying me, falling into old habits that i now deem self-destructive.

i’ve gotten so used to the idea of having to put myself back together again after i shatter myself into pieces that i willingly invite the pain. i stay up for far too long, consistently depriving myself of a human necessity. i eat far too little, not believing i even deserve it. i repeat hateful mantras i’ve internalised, only making whatever time i do spend in my mind terrible. for someone who’s main wish is ‘to be happy’, i actively deprive myself of it.

this isn’t a post about a.b.s. (shocker). that’s actually a whole question mark i don’t feel like affronting mentally right now so i’m going to take a page out of his book and simply pretend the situation doesn’t exist right now (at least until tomorrow lol). i have to take allison to the vet at 10:15 tomorrow morning, followed by an electrician’s visit to check the wiring in the house – a much needed inconvenience as they’ve seemed dodgy since i moved in. for the last two days i’ve been focused on cleaning the house and changing up some things that i’ve wanted to (my bedding and couch covers). while i should in theory be happy with those things (and i think i am in theory), the lack of good sleep has been absolutely dampening any of that joy. allison has been in heat and i find myself unable to actually rest; it’s just slight but consistent noises 24/7. she’s asleep on my folded up couch covers at the bottom corner of my bed at the moment, and the insuing silence is absolutely lovely. all i can hear is the slight rain outside, the front door rattling from the wind, and my typing which i’ve always found relaxing.

i miss feeling like a person. i think i’m just going to have to blame my cycle and its affect on the hormones in my body to explain it, because i’m not even sure what i mean. my weekdays have become repetitive and bland – waking up later than i would like, going for a coffee and short walk, maybe running errands if the weather is nice, coming home and sitting in front of my pc to ‘study’ (i’m not even sure that the flashcards i’m making at the moment are doing anything), playing games with people in the evening and staying up too late. i think this week and last has felt like that at least. i miss feeling like i have friends to do things with during the week.

i think the fact that a.b.s. and i have a close friendship makes it worse actually. i’m sorta used to overthinking or second-guessing texts or interactions with a love interest, but i tend not to with friends. i have zero issue texting random things multiple times a day, or calling for no reason, or just simply ‘bothering’ (aka my version of a bid of platonic affection and closeness). i don’t feel i can do most of those things with a.b.s. despite him probably being my best friend. the lines between friendship and romantic have been irreparably blurred, but it still hasn’t reached the stage of an actual relationship. just a semblance of one occasionally.

i need to interact with more people and try new things and develop new friendships in order to feel more fulfilled with my day-to-day. i’m in a position (unemployed, out of education) right now to do so but i always find a way to talk myself out of it. there’s a million activity hosts i follow and want to go to, usually female-oriented which is perfect, but just don’t. i think it’s because part of me knows i’m actually not the best at casual friendships – the all-or-nothing mentality that helps with ambition is usually questionable when it comes to people.

i just want more in my life. i’ve been asking the people in my life for it but don’t feel like i’ve been getting it, so i suppose the logical step is to add new people to the equation.

except for dating. j.a. and i have been talking more this week as he’s taken time off work and needed advice when it comes to his family situation, and while i try to keep the conversations purely platonic, hints of more bleed in at the seams. he’s recently made comments again about wanting more (to take me out at some point, or just about us together – thankfully not just sexual again) even though i’ve made it clear time and time again that i’m in no position to as i still have feelings for a.b.s.; but he says he can’t really help it (which i suppose is a compliment in itself). any closeness or even attempt at thinking about it on my end just feels wrong. thinking about anyone romantically besides a.b.s. feels wrong at the moment as my brain doesn’t really think of more than one person like that at a time. maybe that’s the only reason i could even entertain something with a.j. at the specific point in time – i was just avoiding thinking of a.b.s. after the drunken idiocy. i really think i need to learn to focus on myself.

it was nice to talk about a.b.s. about that whole situation actually, even though i’m not sure how much of it he remembers. i may not have ‘owed him an explanation’ (objectively i suppose since he had made it clear where we stood), but i hate keeping secrets from him. the same way i hate lying to him. which is interesting because i can’t remember if i’ve ever felt that way about someone else before. secrets and white lies / omissions usually fit perfectly within the grey behaviours justifiable in my mind (being interested in other people while still dating p.n. without pursuing anything or lies during my relationship with j.d.); but i’ve never really wanted that with him. keeping anything from him, including i suppose completely reasonable and ‘acceptable’ behaviour within the boundaries of the question mark that we have been (sleeping with magnus i guess? or kissing dan?). none of it has ever felt right. the acts themselves, but also not telling him.

i wonder if he gets that feeling about things he keeps from me. i’d have to assume that probably not. otherwise he’d be more honest about them.

— — —

i don’t think i’ve ever felt more disconnected emotionally from my parents, but i suppose that’s not really new. i would say it’s been since they got officially divorced sometime last year. it seems i served my purpose as therapist / middle-man / divorce attorney / messenger for years on end just to feel cast aside once able to resolve everything.

maybe i just feel disconnect from people lately. i can’t really remember much of what i’ve been feeling besides just right now. and right now it feels like i haven’t been able to connect with my parents in a very long time. and i’m borderline getting emotional over missing my grandfather in montreal. i wonder when, if and how i’ll deal with the guilt that’s been brewing about missing so much of what is probably his last few years on earth. probably best not to go down that rabbit hole as i’m already tearing up.

i’d like to blame ovulation / rise of estrogen for the longing i’ve been having for children. which has really been an unnecessary addition to these past few weeks (i only ovulate one week out of the month or something but sure). i think i always wanted to have a child or at least be in a relationship working towards that goal by 25, and now that the year is ending in a few months, that fantasy i created will officially be over. even worse, i’m not even close to that ‘goal’. i’m not in a secure relationship or building something with someone, and have no real plan or even willingness to form a plan to get there. i’m equally sick of planning things with a.b.s. as i am ‘going with the flow’ and seeing where it gets me. i make no claim to know what the fuck i’m supposed to do with the situation at hand since he doesn’t plan on doing anything.

that being said, i’m writing it here because i intend on sticking to it, and i can at least hold myself accountable (somewhat lmao). i’m not having sex with him until he cuts off contact with south korea. i’m sick and tired and completely done with this fucking situation honestly. we’ve spoken about it, agreed that it’s pointless, agreed that he should stop – and he still hasn’t (shocker!). i’m sick of pretending it has no effect on me in an attempt to ‘put less pressure on him’. fuck that. i don’t deserve any of the weird shit he’s put me through and i’m tired of constantly allowing him to do it over and over. it’s not fair. it’s not right. i would never have let that slide at any other point in my life, so i have no reason to now.

i miss the fiend i used to be as a teenager / early adult sometimes. how strict i was with men. i used to break up with l.c. at the first sign of discontent with his actions. similarly, p.n. used to try his best to show me how much he cared / make me happy because he knew i’d walk away otherwise. i let a few terrible men renew my insecurities and make me anxious about my romantic relationships when i used to be able to walk away at the first sign of disrespect.

if i had done so with a.b.s., this would’ve probably barely lasted a month.

although i suppose it’s different with him. it’s always been different with him. koi no yokan. despite the things ‘wrong’ with him. it’s simply him.

i’m going to stop talking about this now. because the two options are to either recommit to it in my head, or believe that it’s best i walk away; and i don’t really feel like doing either of those things.

— — —

it’s 3 am and i was meant to sleep early since i need to be up early. fuck.

it’s been really nice to write actually. to just dump thoughts out. especially since i chose a more casual tone for the entire thing unlike what i usually try to do here. it’s a lil brain dump! i’m confused and lonely and uncertain most of the time; but right now i’m just ariana, sitting in bed, on my laptop, far too long past my bedtime, listening to the rain, wondering what life has in store for me. exactly like when i was a teenager, dreaming of this exact day. and while it isn’t what i thought it’d be, i think it’s definitely better.

i might not always be happy, but i’m not a miserable teenage girl anymore, hoping for my life to end. i know better now, i know that i can just choose to reinvent it if i want to. i’m in complete control of how it goes.

(that’s a really nice note to end it on. i should reread midnight library & properly annotate it this time)

i’ve been ruminating about us for the last few hours. wondering why it feels so much like things are ending even though at the surface, nothing has changed. although i suppose that’s the problem after all – i’m always there for you, even when you don’t want me to be, and i go to bed feeling more alone than ever.

i knew that something big in me had shifted over the last year or so, but couldn’t pinpoint what exactly it was. i think i’ve finally found the answer. we have very different ways of dealing with the trust issues we both have: you push people away, while i do the opposite and hope that clinging will save me from the fate i’m destined for. i have realised that through the uncertainty of our relationship and the fact that i can’t ever really trust you to be consistent and present for me, i’ve forgotten how to trust people.

i’m sure there’s more to blame than just yourself for this, such as friends that are just as absent and self-serving as could be, and parents that no longer see me as anything more than an accomplishment they can sometimes engage with, the fact remains. i don’t feel like there’s anyone in my life i can really trust. how many times have i bared my feelings to you, made an effort to be vulnerable and open despite how difficult i find it because i thought it would help, for that act to make me feel shameful instead of understood. perhaps my memory has just gotten shorter, but i forget the last time you made me feel appreciated and listened to. much less loved. or even maybe liked.

drunk actions and words can only get you so far.

i miss being able to trust someone. i miss knowing i have someone who does always have my best intention in mind (and not just ‘maybe’). i like to think i always have yours in mind. i like to think i go out of my way to make you feel cared for; seen. although i don’t do it for the sole purpose of reciprocation, it would be so nice to feel like you appreciate it when i reach out. like you want to talk to me. like you want to see me. last weekend only made me feel more isolated. i have a suspicion that over valentine’s day this weekend i’ll only feel worse.

im going to sleep.

i find it difficult to acknowledge how hard these last few years have actually been for me. actually i find it hard to admit that most of my life has felt really hard. i think something really did brew inside of me from years of hating myself and my surroundings (which comes as absolutely no surprise actually).

[allison has perched herself upon my arm and chest for our nightly full-body cuddles so typing has become more difficult]

i would like this year to be about reconnecting with myself. really figuring out who i am, who i want to be, and most importantly who i can be. i usually try to do this with a whole life reset, thinking i can change my life overnight and magically solve all of my issues. i should know by now that this cannot happen – if it could, it would have worked by now.

there are certain things that society and people nowadays would like to perpetuate about relationships with others that i fundamentally disagree about. communication, trust and good will are the foundations of community, something we all require. people deserve grace. people deserve open communication. we owe it to each other to care. the rise of nonchalance frustrates me as much as it terrifies me about the direction of the world.

whenever i attempt something radical to ‘stand my ground’ or establish boundaries, i feel it doesn’t suit me. i could do with a bit more self-respect and less focus on pleasing others (which i feel i’ve already become better at), but this doesn’t negate the core aspect of my personality i often try to shut off: i believe in the good of people and the world around me. this opinion is so easily cast aside by others as everybody nowadays is bombarded with shitty news, or constant reiterations of people mistreating others with no remorse, but that doesn’t change that i see reality in it.

it doesn’t have to make sense to others so long as it does to me.

i’m not ashamed of the fact that i give people chance after chance; that i have it in myself to forgive and move on from things. i hate that people take advantage of it. i hate that i have to contort myself to fit others when i quite like the person i am.

it’s time i remain steadfast on who i know i am, and like, instead of constantly worrying about how i ‘should’ be comforting and adapting to others.

a.b.s. is an example of this. from the beginning, i have not wanted to hide or minimise or ‘play games’ in the way that is currently seen fit in romantic endeavours. i don’t see the need to shrink myself, which i think makes a lot of people uncomfortable.

i know what’s in my heart. good intentions, genuine care, a willingness and ability to love. i’m asking for other people to see it as well. i might just be asking the wrong people (i.e., m.c.).