my days feel boring and repetitive. it continues to feel like my life is just on pause at the moment. most likely, my impending period is to blame for it; but that’s hard to remember when experiencing the moment.
i’d like to reset my house as much as i can tomorrow, as some organisation and clarity will do me the most good possible.
for all intents and purposes, i have specific requests to the universe for my future husband as i deserve to have somebody to share my life with:
+requirements: kind, intelligent, ambitious, carries out what he says he will, respectful, funny, likes talking to me, decisive, cares about me, family values, sweet, appreciates the things i do for him, good with pets and babies, good at communication (keeping me updated on things because he knows i prefer to be), attentive, has hobbies, is interesting, can stand up for me when needed, has some sort of life plan / clear idea of what he wants his life to look like, finds me interesting, finds me attractive
+requests: will play tennis and badminton, good with plants, likes reading, interested in tech (somewhat), on the tidy-side, same taste in decor (cottage-ish), not picky with food, similar music taste, good friends, has a strong sense of self, knows how to manage money, is handy / knows how to do a large range of things, good fashion sense
+physically: brunette, nice kind eyes, nice teeth + smile, taller than me (however much)
+things he would do include: cooking with me, sharing books and ideas, watching movies and shows together, will try new hobbies / classes with me, enjoys traveling with me, makes sushi at home with me
—
i’m sure there’s slightly more on the list, and i’ll add to it if i see fit; but i realised that i don’t have anything relating to money (meaning having any / financial spoiling). i also notice that there is a LOT on this list that a.b.s. fits, and frankly he’s always fit quite a lot of what i’ve always wanted in a partner. i think that’s the main reason it’s gone on this long between us. writing this also makes me realise the things that could be missing – things that if i’m being honest, i don’t think would be much of a change, but that he’d be willing to ‘improve’.
similarly, i have to continue improving and changing the things i want to about myself so that when our paths cross, i can be who i’d like to be. i will be making my own list in the next few days and concretely take steps in the right direction.
i keep forgetting how much agency i have in my life. i think keeping it in mind instead of letting other people completely dictate my life is what i must do from now on; more than ever.
—
relevantly, i forgot how easy men are. i suppose i’ve actively tried to act ‘good’ so long i forgot that the world isn’t. i forgot that you can’t just trust anyone with anything anymore. especially not men.
‘are you happy with [insert thing i’m actively unhappy with and want to change]’ works simply because they like to feel like they’re the one in charge of the decision. even after expressing that i felt guilty and wanted a change because i subconsciouly do know i shouldn’t be lowering myself to this situation, nor letting someone else be unknowingly involved; i doubt he thought much of the fact i brought up the topic besides that ‘it’s been on my mind’. i wouldn’t say it was particularly cunning of me, nor that i really wanted to go through with it, because i knew that it would make me feel a certain type of way (what that way is, i’m not sure yet); but this new situation is better for the both of us.
he can come to the conclusion he wants to be with me all by his own, and i can learn to recenter the focus of my life to myself. regardless of timing, both of those things need to happen. i need to learn that my favourite person in the world is myself; not anyone else. although i do enjoy a.b.s.’ company and conversation, it’s also objectively fact that i am the one who leads conversations, initiates activities and basically dictates the time we have. i’m the one in charge. that’s what i get for pursuing more laidback type of men that don’t mind going through life. i like that about them. i love that about him. he can focus on the task at hand, let things roll off his back and remain calm. i admire the tranquility – how simple it appears to simply live.
i know that isn’t really me.
for the time being, i’ve achieved the result i wanted without feeling incredibly vulnerable again. let him ‘lead’ the conversation and situation. it suits us both. i’m not entirely sure how self-destructive it is yet, as i know that this is also my twisted attempt at ruining things before he can. he’s not really the one who chose to leave things until he figures things out. i prefer him thinking he does. it makes sure that i can’t go back on how i feel about not having an active romantic relationship until he does.
—
i’m aware that most of this narrative is also just coping with whatever more negative feelings i’m experiencing at the moment, even though i do know it’s best for me. best for both of us really.
i love him.
i’m not sure to what extent, if i’m in love or not. because i don’t feel i could if i don’t trust him. it’s not ‘safe’ to be, so i can’t allow myself to be. it’s as easy as that (maybe). it has to be that simple. i’m making it so.
distance will help us in completely opposite ways. while the time away may make him feel closer to me, or at least create the desire to; it may cause the opposite in me, which is what i need. my only focus must be myself. myself and my exams and my daily life.
—
i talk so much and so decisively for somebody who can never tell where her head is actually at; considering i can never tell whether to let my head or heart lead my actions. i don’t think it matters in this case. the lack of intimacy will be better for both parts of me. as much as i continue to care about him.
i have to be the most important person in my life.
the more i feel my life getting repetitive and monotonous, the more i feel the urge to write. i tend to withdraw from even myself in an attempt to protect myself from the things preoccupying me, falling into old habits that i now deem self-destructive.
i’ve gotten so used to the idea of having to put myself back together again after i shatter myself into pieces that i willingly invite the pain. i stay up for far too long, consistently depriving myself of a human necessity. i eat far too little, not believing i even deserve it. i repeat hateful mantras i’ve internalised, only making whatever time i do spend in my mind terrible. for someone who’s main wish is ‘to be happy’, i actively deprive myself of it.
this isn’t a post about a.b.s. (shocker). that’s actually a whole question mark i don’t feel like affronting mentally right now so i’m going to take a page out of his book and simply pretend the situation doesn’t exist right now (at least until tomorrow lol). i have to take allison to the vet at 10:15 tomorrow morning, followed by an electrician’s visit to check the wiring in the house – a much needed inconvenience as they’ve seemed dodgy since i moved in. for the last two days i’ve been focused on cleaning the house and changing up some things that i’ve wanted to (my bedding and couch covers). while i should in theory be happy with those things (and i think i am in theory), the lack of good sleep has been absolutely dampening any of that joy. allison has been in heat and i find myself unable to actually rest; it’s just slight but consistent noises 24/7. she’s asleep on my folded up couch covers at the bottom corner of my bed at the moment, and the insuing silence is absolutely lovely. all i can hear is the slight rain outside, the front door rattling from the wind, and my typing which i’ve always found relaxing.
i miss feeling like a person. i think i’m just going to have to blame my cycle and its affect on the hormones in my body to explain it, because i’m not even sure what i mean. my weekdays have become repetitive and bland – waking up later than i would like, going for a coffee and short walk, maybe running errands if the weather is nice, coming home and sitting in front of my pc to ‘study’ (i’m not even sure that the flashcards i’m making at the moment are doing anything), playing games with people in the evening and staying up too late. i think this week and last has felt like that at least. i miss feeling like i have friends to do things with during the week.
i think the fact that a.b.s. and i have a close friendship makes it worse actually. i’m sorta used to overthinking or second-guessing texts or interactions with a love interest, but i tend not to with friends. i have zero issue texting random things multiple times a day, or calling for no reason, or just simply ‘bothering’ (aka my version of a bid of platonic affection and closeness). i don’t feel i can do most of those things with a.b.s. despite him probably being my best friend. the lines between friendship and romantic have been irreparably blurred, but it still hasn’t reached the stage of an actual relationship. just a semblance of one occasionally.
i need to interact with more people and try new things and develop new friendships in order to feel more fulfilled with my day-to-day. i’m in a position (unemployed, out of education) right now to do so but i always find a way to talk myself out of it. there’s a million activity hosts i follow and want to go to, usually female-oriented which is perfect, but just don’t. i think it’s because part of me knows i’m actually not the best at casual friendships – the all-or-nothing mentality that helps with ambition is usually questionable when it comes to people.
i just want more in my life. i’ve been asking the people in my life for it but don’t feel like i’ve been getting it, so i suppose the logical step is to add new people to the equation.
except for dating. j.a. and i have been talking more this week as he’s taken time off work and needed advice when it comes to his family situation, and while i try to keep the conversations purely platonic, hints of more bleed in at the seams. he’s recently made comments again about wanting more (to take me out at some point, or just about us together – thankfully not just sexual again) even though i’ve made it clear time and time again that i’m in no position to as i still have feelings for a.b.s.; but he says he can’t really help it (which i suppose is a compliment in itself). any closeness or even attempt at thinking about it on my end just feels wrong. thinking about anyone romantically besides a.b.s. feels wrong at the moment as my brain doesn’t really think of more than one person like that at a time. maybe that’s the only reason i could even entertain something with a.j. at the specific point in time – i was just avoiding thinking of a.b.s. after the drunken idiocy. i really think i need to learn to focus on myself.
it was nice to talk about a.b.s. about that whole situation actually, even though i’m not sure how much of it he remembers. i may not have ‘owed him an explanation’ (objectively i suppose since he had made it clear where we stood), but i hate keeping secrets from him. the same way i hate lying to him. which is interesting because i can’t remember if i’ve ever felt that way about someone else before. secrets and white lies / omissions usually fit perfectly within the grey behaviours justifiable in my mind (being interested in other people while still dating p.n. without pursuing anything or lies during my relationship with j.d.); but i’ve never really wanted that with him. keeping anything from him, including i suppose completely reasonable and ‘acceptable’ behaviour within the boundaries of the question mark that we have been (sleeping with magnus i guess? or kissing dan?). none of it has ever felt right. the acts themselves, but also not telling him.
i wonder if he gets that feeling about things he keeps from me. i’d have to assume that probably not. otherwise he’d be more honest about them.
— — —
i don’t think i’ve ever felt more disconnected emotionally from my parents, but i suppose that’s not really new. i would say it’s been since they got officially divorced sometime last year. it seems i served my purpose as therapist / middle-man / divorce attorney / messenger for years on end just to feel cast aside once able to resolve everything.
maybe i just feel disconnect from people lately. i can’t really remember much of what i’ve been feeling besides just right now. and right now it feels like i haven’t been able to connect with my parents in a very long time. and i’m borderline getting emotional over missing my grandfather in montreal. i wonder when, if and how i’ll deal with the guilt that’s been brewing about missing so much of what is probably his last few years on earth. probably best not to go down that rabbit hole as i’m already tearing up.
i’d like to blame ovulation / rise of estrogen for the longing i’ve been having for children. which has really been an unnecessary addition to these past few weeks (i only ovulate one week out of the month or something but sure). i think i always wanted to have a child or at least be in a relationship working towards that goal by 25, and now that the year is ending in a few months, that fantasy i created will officially be over. even worse, i’m not even close to that ‘goal’. i’m not in a secure relationship or building something with someone, and have no real plan or even willingness to form a plan to get there. i’m equally sick of planning things with a.b.s. as i am ‘going with the flow’ and seeing where it gets me. i make no claim to know what the fuck i’m supposed to do with the situation at hand since he doesn’t plan on doing anything.
that being said, i’m writing it here because i intend on sticking to it, and i can at least hold myself accountable (somewhat lmao). i’m not having sex with him until he cuts off contact with south korea. i’m sick and tired and completely done with this fucking situation honestly. we’ve spoken about it, agreed that it’s pointless, agreed that he should stop – and he still hasn’t (shocker!). i’m sick of pretending it has no effect on me in an attempt to ‘put less pressure on him’. fuck that. i don’t deserve any of the weird shit he’s put me through and i’m tired of constantly allowing him to do it over and over. it’s not fair. it’s not right. i would never have let that slide at any other point in my life, so i have no reason to now.
i miss the fiend i used to be as a teenager / early adult sometimes. how strict i was with men. i used to break up with l.c. at the first sign of discontent with his actions. similarly, p.n. used to try his best to show me how much he cared / make me happy because he knew i’d walk away otherwise. i let a few terrible men renew my insecurities and make me anxious about my romantic relationships when i used to be able to walk away at the first sign of disrespect.
if i had done so with a.b.s., this would’ve probably barely lasted a month.
although i suppose it’s different with him. it’s always been different with him. koi no yokan. despite the things ‘wrong’ with him. it’s simply him.
i’m going to stop talking about this now. because the two options are to either recommit to it in my head, or believe that it’s best i walk away; and i don’t really feel like doing either of those things.
— — —
it’s 3 am and i was meant to sleep early since i need to be up early. fuck.
it’s been really nice to write actually. to just dump thoughts out. especially since i chose a more casual tone for the entire thing unlike what i usually try to do here. it’s a lil brain dump! i’m confused and lonely and uncertain most of the time; but right now i’m just ariana, sitting in bed, on my laptop, far too long past my bedtime, listening to the rain, wondering what life has in store for me. exactly like when i was a teenager, dreaming of this exact day. and while it isn’t what i thought it’d be, i think it’s definitely better.
i might not always be happy, but i’m not a miserable teenage girl anymore, hoping for my life to end. i know better now, i know that i can just choose to reinvent it if i want to. i’m in complete control of how it goes.
(that’s a really nice note to end it on. i should reread midnight library & properly annotate it this time)
i’ve been ruminating about us for the last few hours. wondering why it feels so much like things are ending even though at the surface, nothing has changed. although i suppose that’s the problem after all – i’m always there for you, even when you don’t want me to be, and i go to bed feeling more alone than ever.
i knew that something big in me had shifted over the last year or so, but couldn’t pinpoint what exactly it was. i think i’ve finally found the answer. we have very different ways of dealing with the trust issues we both have: you push people away, while i do the opposite and hope that clinging will save me from the fate i’m destined for. i have realised that through the uncertainty of our relationship and the fact that i can’t ever really trust you to be consistent and present for me, i’ve forgotten how to trust people.
i’m sure there’s more to blame than just yourself for this, such as friends that are just as absent and self-serving as could be, and parents that no longer see me as anything more than an accomplishment they can sometimes engage with, the fact remains. i don’t feel like there’s anyone in my life i can really trust. how many times have i bared my feelings to you, made an effort to be vulnerable and open despite how difficult i find it because i thought it would help, for that act to make me feel shameful instead of understood. perhaps my memory has just gotten shorter, but i forget the last time you made me feel appreciated and listened to. much less loved. or even maybe liked.
drunk actions and words can only get you so far.
i miss being able to trust someone. i miss knowing i have someone who does always have my best intention in mind (and not just ‘maybe’). i like to think i always have yours in mind. i like to think i go out of my way to make you feel cared for; seen. although i don’t do it for the sole purpose of reciprocation, it would be so nice to feel like you appreciate it when i reach out. like you want to talk to me. like you want to see me. last weekend only made me feel more isolated. i have a suspicion that over valentine’s day this weekend i’ll only feel worse.
im going to sleep.
i find it difficult to acknowledge how hard these last few years have actually been for me. actually i find it hard to admit that most of my life has felt really hard. i think something really did brew inside of me from years of hating myself and my surroundings (which comes as absolutely no surprise actually).
[allison has perched herself upon my arm and chest for our nightly full-body cuddles so typing has become more difficult]
i would like this year to be about reconnecting with myself. really figuring out who i am, who i want to be, and most importantly who i can be. i usually try to do this with a whole life reset, thinking i can change my life overnight and magically solve all of my issues. i should know by now that this cannot happen – if it could, it would have worked by now.
there are certain things that society and people nowadays would like to perpetuate about relationships with others that i fundamentally disagree about. communication, trust and good will are the foundations of community, something we all require. people deserve grace. people deserve open communication. we owe it to each other to care. the rise of nonchalance frustrates me as much as it terrifies me about the direction of the world.
whenever i attempt something radical to ‘stand my ground’ or establish boundaries, i feel it doesn’t suit me. i could do with a bit more self-respect and less focus on pleasing others (which i feel i’ve already become better at), but this doesn’t negate the core aspect of my personality i often try to shut off: i believe in the good of people and the world around me. this opinion is so easily cast aside by others as everybody nowadays is bombarded with shitty news, or constant reiterations of people mistreating others with no remorse, but that doesn’t change that i see reality in it.
it doesn’t have to make sense to others so long as it does to me.
i’m not ashamed of the fact that i give people chance after chance; that i have it in myself to forgive and move on from things. i hate that people take advantage of it. i hate that i have to contort myself to fit others when i quite like the person i am.
it’s time i remain steadfast on who i know i am, and like, instead of constantly worrying about how i ‘should’ be comforting and adapting to others.
a.b.s. is an example of this. from the beginning, i have not wanted to hide or minimise or ‘play games’ in the way that is currently seen fit in romantic endeavours. i don’t see the need to shrink myself, which i think makes a lot of people uncomfortable.
i know what’s in my heart. good intentions, genuine care, a willingness and ability to love. i’m asking for other people to see it as well. i might just be asking the wrong people (i.e., m.c.).
merry christmas 🙂
there’s something about being alone in a new apartment while your family celebrates their own two different christmases – one in turkey, one in canada. i always struggle with feelings of loneliness, but it hits harder than ever during the holidays as i realise that i also don’t have the life here that i thought i would have. i was so occupied with moving into this flat and hosting people (still not entirely sure why really – for people to just like me?) that i forgot to take into account how upsetting it would naturally be to spend christmas alone.
366 days ago i told a.b.s. i was in love with him. it’s a year later and things feel more confusing than ever. holding my hand while telling me to leave him alone? not at all sure what to make of that. waiting patiently for him to invite me over for christmas even though we basically act like we’re in a relationship but i’m not even sure if he wants me there? surely not a normal thing. i can’t tell if we’re closer than ever to actually being something, or further than ever.
i’ve been too caught up with the present this year to plan anything in my life well enough to make it happen. which isn’t necessarily a bad thing! now i know how to. i’m hoping 2026 will bring a good year of balance and joy – i’m going to make sure it does.
—
it feels like i never know what i should be doing. i’m aware of objective and overarching goals and things i need to do, but at the end of the day i’m just in a flat, alone, wanting to talk to people. truthfully i don’t even know what i want anymore. i’ve lost sight of it a little. i’m scared that trying to figure it out is going to force me to make a number of really difficult decisions that i’m not ready for. decisions about people in my life, that although i don’t want to lose, might be for the better (i hate even the thought of that, even though a part of me knows it holds some truth).
the worst part is that if you had asked me before yesterday how i was feeling about my life, my answer would’ve been extremely positive. i would’ve answered that i love my apartment and it feels perfect to me and what i want for myself; i’m loved and cared for by many friends in london, and have an extended support system all over the world.
today, i just feel the chill of the new flat and uncertainty (about both my day’s plans, and my general direction in life).
if i were thinner. if i were better, maybe people would actually like me. if i were just better.
december brings its own unique type of melancholy and sadness. it’s both a reflection of the year past, and a strange comparison to how it has been in years past. the month makes me contemplate just how much i’ve changed over time, while also bitterly reminding me of what i’ve lost: time, people, opportunities.
i wonder who is to blame for my desire to distance myself from a.b.s.. while the easy answer may be him, my brain has an extraordinary way of self-sabotaging and running away when things get too difficult (something i don’t usually struggle with when it comes to him).
i think having two weekends in a row where he admits to thinking of others, this close to the time of year he hurt me last year, was perhaps a lil too much for my brain and heart to handle.
my proclamations of good faith, that “i’m flesh and blood, in front of you, and i care about you, if you’ll let me” and “i don’t want to give up on you, so stop asking me to” echo in my head. i know without a doubt that i mean every single word that comes out of my mouth directed at him, and these are no exceptions. i just also worry how much longer he’ll push me away. how many more times i’ll be sat next to him wondering if he’s thinking of someone else. how many more times i’ll pretend it doesn’t affect me to my core and forgive him. how many more times he’ll hurt me.
i’m not even sure he remembers that i’ve told him any of these things. or that he remembers telling me that maybe he didn’t realise he was pushing me away or hurting me. i think there may fundamentally lie the issue: he doesn’t care to understand me; not really. for a man who i believed so values my opinions on serious topics, or occasionally on life even; i start to wonder how much of him i’ve made up in my head.
i talk about being an idea in his if we were no longer in each other’s lives, but i don’t even want to think about how i view him. i still view him as someone who would not purposefully hurt me, even though he has time and time again. with great anguish, i think (expressed to me once in a bewildering moment of ‘weakness’), but done repeatedly anyway.
—
i don’t know if i’m just overly tired today, and thus my brain starts to find issues where they do not really exist (or at the very least, analyse things that i’d rather not); or if i’m finally hitting a wall. if i’ve done and given too much for it to no longer be reciprocated, and i’m just sick of it. the reality is that even if i do feel that way, once word from him, or a glimpse of him will make that disappear – perhaps i’m the one with no self-control between the two of us. i’m the one who can’t help myself. (maybe we just have that in common)
hearing that he thought something would have happened between us even if i hadn’t pursued him leaves me with mixed feelings: on the one hand, i love thinking that even he knows that at some point, there was bound (or meant) to be something between us; that we were inevitable; where i’m confused about is whether or not i’m meant to trust that sentiment and take it as gospel. (i really shouldn’t be taking anything that comes out of a man’s mouth as gospel, but i fear we may be past that point right now).
these are the ramblings of a very tired woman. too many thoughts swimming in her head to make sense of any of it. as my realities of my life come crashing down on me (moving, education, family responsibilities…) accompanied by unpleasant feelings (namely, shame.); i wonder if a.b.s. is losing his boyish charm due to the way he treats me, or if i’m looking for a reason to go into hiding again. i think it’ll be best to let time show his intentions and what he’s capable of doing rather than making assumptions. i just hope it isn’t too late by the time he does; for both of our sakes. we’ll both be left wondering what could of been, i another ghost in his life that he regrets after a few drinks, he the materialisation of my darkest ‘could have been’ that lingers no matter what. i don’t care to find out what that would feel like again. not with him. so i guess i just wish he’d stop forcing us there.
as it’s nearing 1 am, i know it best to get some rest. i always feel better in the morning, and i’ve got an entire flat just waiting to be shoved into boxes and moved next week (unfortunate reminder of the handful of texts or emails i’m currently ignoring because i don’t want to deal with them, ultimately making me feel worse than if i just responded). i hope he’s getting some rest, he deserves it. as do i.
“Combat, I’m ready for combat
I say I don’t want that, but what if I do?
‘Cause cruelty wins in the movies
I’ve got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you
Easy they come, easy they go
I jump from the train, I ride off alone
I never grew up, it’s getting so old
Help me hold onto you
I’ve been the archer
I’ve been the prey
Who could ever leave me, darling?
But who could stay?
Dark side, I search for your dark side
But what if I’m alright, right, right, right here?
And I cut off my nose just to spite my face
Then I hate my reflection for years and years
I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost
The room is on fire, invisible smoke
And all of my heroes die all alone
Help me hold onto you
I’ve been the archer
I’ve been the prey
Screaming, who could ever leave me, darling?
But who could stay?
(I see right through me, I see right through me)
‘Cause they see right through me
They see right through me
They see right through
Can you see right through me?
They see right through
They see right through me
I see right through me
I see right through me
All the king’s horses, all the king’s men
Couldn’t put me together again
‘Cause all of my enemies started out friends
Help me hold onto you
I’ve been the archer
I’ve been the prey
Who could ever leave me, darling?
But who could stay?
(I see right through me, I see right through me)
Who could stay?
Who could stay?
Who could stay?
You could stay
You could stay
You
Combat, I’m ready for combat”
(the archer – taylor swift)
— — —
13:20:
maybe it’s better we’re not in each other’s lives. it’d be easier than trying to pretend i’m enough for you, surely?
i’m too sleep deprived to form a coherent thought of optimism. it feels like you’ve already given up (i say knowing damn well there’s an unread reply to my text last night that i’ve been putting off opening), i don’t know why i’m still fighting, why i’m still trying. that’s all i ever do: try. it’s gotten us nowhere.
maybe i am better off as just a hypothetical to you. then neither of us can mess it up. we can both live in the ‘what if’ – if you even do think of me that way. i don’t know how your hypotheticals work, and if you can while also thinking of someone else in the same way. i think i’m better off as an idea. i always have been.
i got a taylor swift lyric stuck in my head i was trying to find, from ‘chloe or sam or sophia or marcus’:
“Could it be enough to just float in your orbit?
Can we watch our phantoms like watching wild horses?
Cooler in theory, but not if you force it to be
It just didn’t happen“
could we be friends? could i bear to be around you in group settings pretending that i don’t miss the feel of your lips on mine or your hands on me? laughing to jokes about your type in women as if it doesn’t keep me up at night that i don’t fit the bill?
i always assume that we couldn’t be around each other if we were to call things off for good, but i realise that’s for two different reasons: it would hurt to see you from a distance and pretend you weren’t mine at some point, you would be disappointed there’s not somebody to sleep with on days you want to (even just saying that feels like doing you a disservice, but it’s what everyone besides us perceives as how you view me – which hurts and i don’t think is true, but i get tired of defending).
this plagues my thoughts as i’m too sleep deprived to stop it. i think you feel like pushing me away and walking away from us when you’re overwhelmed with your responsibilities and life; this is usually the invisible result of it. this is the loss of trust and hope i experience. god knows i haven’t slept soundly when things are rocky between us since last new years.
—
i know that once i get it out of my system, i feel the exact same way about us as i always do: that i care about you, and this is all worth it. it’s just tiring to be the only one who can comfortably say that.
i suppose i’m doing exactly what i criticise you for doing, and what i said i wouldn’t: pushing you away while i figure out how i feel. i know i said i wouldn’t this time, but i still don’t know how to turn off that impulse. how to not retreat when you do. even if it is in hopes that my actions get you out of your head lon enough to form a lucid thought about me. the problem is that everytime i do, i break myself without meaning to. i chip away at my own ability to believe in us, in you. i’m glad i finally got to explain that to you this weekend; i have no clue if it actually made a difference in how you see us or not (my guess is as good as anyone’s at this point).
i have to pretend to be able to do menial daily tasks, knowing i’m not really able to think of anything else. it’s nearing 2 pm and i also haven’t eaten. the document of ‘red flags’ in my behaviour before / during a depressive episode sitting in my laptop is judging me heavily.
i need some rest. i miss things being easy between us – they still very easily could, but i can’t be the only one wanting them to be.
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i also am aware that i’m being insanely melodramatic, but this is my blog so who cares! if i can’t be dramatic here then where can i
[side note: this led me down a whole research dark hole about hystrionic personality disorder as i was searching for synonyms of melodramatic and i’m interested in doing a lil more research, if only to gain insight on some of my people-pleasing habits]
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i also feel a lil better after crying for a lil while writing this and find myself remembering that there is indeed hope for the things that i want (a.b.s.) and that my own sleep-deprived, upset brain, is not always a reliable narrator (blah blah blah, trust my feelings, classic things). later in the day, i need to prepare for the full moon tonight.
