to love for the hope of it all

i’d like it to be over. i’d like to be able to just accept the embarassment i’ve faced over this last year and be done with it.

it’s a lot more difficult to convince myself it is all worth it when i’m away from london and by proxy, him, and he doesn’t make an effort to ask about me. proclamations of “i don’t think i’m going to change” only do so much to soothe my worries. i can pretend to be laidback and open to uncertainty temporarily, but it is not a constant. echoes of “i care about you, i want you in my life” do not erase the times he was unable to tell me that, especially told under (almost) duress. or the actions of last new years. i still cannot listen to any holiday music without feeling the pang in my chest i felt the week i started this blog. the uncertainty, the anxiety, the worry.

whilst away i’ve started growing small baby hair again. i’ve been sleeping slightly better, not having to pretend my bed isn’t empty. i’ve been welcoming the time alone, feeling motivated for my return to london. it’s hard to be as worried about everything as i usually am in this environment.

— — — — — —

i’m unsure why the holidays plague me today. i haven’t been able to get out of my head the fact that he did in fact leave for another country on his time off, during a holiday season i believed we’d spend together. i suppose it started with looking forward to it this year? although i’m not sure what i have to look forward to at all sometimes. making my own memories the way i see fit is the only solution i have left as i can no longer rely on other people to do so. my heart feels heavy today. like i haven’t realised how tiring this entire ordeal has been until today. like i can no longer pretend the things i tell myself to be able to have him in my life are true. i don’t want to lie to myself any longer. lie and embarrass myself in front of everyone i know.

i can no longer talk about him to anyone but him. nobody wants to hear anything i have to say anymore, and actively encourage me to avoid him and cut him out of my life. i can’t say i’m easily influenceable, but at some point i do start to wonder what the purpose of all of this is. what the end goal is. what the end result will be. most likely? heartbroken and feeling abandoned again. a repeat of the holidays. wondering what i could have possibly done wrong to deserve what i’ve been put through.

i still wonder sometimes. “even on my worst day, did i deserve, babe / all the the hell you gave me?” (my tears richocet, taylor swift).

the song makes me think about actually leaving him behind, and what i believe the aftermath would be. the personality death i’d incur and that he would miss me. i’ve been trying to avoid finding out but it gets too tiring to fight common sense. to ignore the reality that i’m holding on to something for dear life that doesn’t even want me to.

— — — —

i could attribute nonsensical signs for the universe to give me, like him reaching out today, but they never really serve a purpose. they just highlight how little he does care. maybe it truly is time to let his actions speak for themselves instead of coming up with excuses. that is, after all, what he initially suggested when comfronted with how he was acting – that i should take how he acts as a reflection of his feelings – if he acts like he doesn’t care, then maybe it means he doesn’t.

i don’t think i ever realise the impact his harsher words have on me until i’m reflecting back on them. i wonder if he reflects on things that he or i have said and ponders their reality – i somehow doubt it. asking for his honesty usually means accepting his cruelty as well.

time spent away from him only highlights the later. brings to the foreground that he doesn’t reach out, and thus, wonder about me. he doesn’t miss me to the point of wanting to talk. (he admitted that my voice was only tolerable and he didn’t like it in the same way he liked other girls’ in the past – nothing about me quite seems to compare to anyone from his past.) he doesn’t think about me.

— — — — — — —

for the sake of being honest and authentically myself, i keep putting myself out there, knowing that the sentiment will be rejected. and yet, apparently keep doing it.

it begs the question of whether i put msyelf through this because i somehow enjoy the torture, or think i deserve it, something i often ponder. i don’t think i have an answer. subsconscious leftover guilt that makes me feel like i deserve to suffer? i truly have no clue.

all i know is how tiring it all feels. i try not to think about it as much and enjoy my day, but when it weighs heavy on my head and heart all i can do is focus on how exhausted it is to constantly defend to myself that i’m worthy of something good, even though i actively chase something that is comfortable hurting me. that’s the wicked reality of it – i accept and pursue a.b.s. knowing that he’s going to hurt me. i wish he wouldn’t, but he’s proven time and time again that he will find some way, some caveat, some harsh words, some way to use me for my body and friendship when he wants it, and actively push it, and me, away when he no longer does.

asking him not to anymore, and wishing it, does no good; brings about no change. he doesn’t know how to hold something good without hurting it. i don’t know how to walk away from someone without letting them destroy me first. a match made in hellish heaven.

— — — — —

12:57: early afternoon:

i’m completely right in everything i said. i know this to be true. i also know how much i care about him as a person. i also know how lovely of a man he actually is, despite his cruelty, despite how he treats me. he’s a human being, same as anyone else, managing his way through life. still holding on to things from his past that he cannot have an affect on anymore, and by default, can’t ruin or hurt.

it’s not fair to me that he’s holding on so tightly to the point where he can’t realise what is in front of him. it’s entirely my choice whether i see him and the potential we could have as worth the amount of effort it is currently taking.

i keep thinking it’s going to lead somewhere. i know that he does care about me. it’s up to me to decide if it’s enough. i know he wants me in his life. it’s up to me to decide if i want to be in it anymore if this is how he treats me.

clearly, i go back and forth between whether or not it is worth it, and more explicitly, whether or not he is worth it. it’s interesting how this has started to mirror his uncertainty about whether or not i’m worth the effort to him. he’s already expressed he doesn’t think i am, so i suppose the decision is mine to make.

i’m unsure about how i feel. i’m torn between what i genuinely believe and what i feel i should believe. how i feel versus how i’m meant to be. i’ve never been very good at using logic to overrule my feelings. i treat common sense as a suggestion to accompany my emotions rather than a rule. the exact opposite of what he does.

i’m sure if expressed he would say that it’s normal as a woman to do so, but that he must remain the logical of us two. he isn’t the more logical. he’s impulsive, brash, go-with-the-flow to counter my calculated, polite, obsessive.

my actions align with my intentions and words, his never do. that doesn’t make me want him any less. his ability to mix the more wild approach to life, the ‘head-in-the-clouds’, relaxed outlook with a life of responsibility, duty and dependability is exactly what drew me to him. we’re much more alike than people give us credit for.

---

6:55 pm:

i feel really alone and yet have no one to reach out to or talk to. attempting to talk to any member of my family about anything is never productive, and i’m not sure who to even consider my friend at the moment. it’s one of those days where the thoughts just don’t stop and don’t let me breathe for even a second without a reminder of something negative. nothing feels right and everything is off and i feel alone. i have no one to share my thoughts with and work through, and journaling like this only helps so much.

i keep filling that pit in my stomach and chest, that tightness and discomfort that overwhelms me. i miss when things were easier. when having a good relationship with my mom wasn’t the most complex thing in the universe. when i could reach out to a.b.s. without thinking of a thousand different ways it could go wrong and worrying i’m just making things worse. when i could message a friend and know that they care about me for me and are not just interested sexually or financially. i miss not feeling alone. i think that’s a big reason i keep chasing a relationship – a companion, a friend.

i’m left with a thousand thoughts and no way to express them or even release the frustration of them – swimming didn’t help, distraction hasn’t, journaling isn’t. everything just feels bad today.

something feels lost today. i’m not quite sure what. a part of myself? my faith in a.b.s.? my will for love? i truly do not know. i’m not sure i wish to know either. my thoughts tire me. nothing is ostensibly wrong and yet, i feel no joy.

actually i suppose that’s not entirely true. allison missed me just as much as i missed her and i very much enjoyed her discovering that i do in fact have a face using her nose and paws. she’s a very bright light in my life at the moment.

i can’t help but find my life sisyphean at the moment. like i’m constantly trying and struggling with no actual outcome. my thoughts plague me at all times, hindering me from actually making something of myself. i feel myself yearning but i don’t know for what anymore. a.b.s? he’s left me nothing to yearn for. love? when has that ever served me well?

i feel the water calling to me. drowning my thoughts as i focus on swimming, one stroke at a time. it’s waiting for me just as much as i’m waiting for it. i may write later.

i wanted this weekend to soothe my worries about the relationships i currently have in my life. unfortunately, it did the exact opposite and only showed me that i was right to both be wary of them as well as emphasise the need to re-assess. a very long-winded way of saying that i probably am in fact going to have to reset my life.

i wouldn’t even say that the weekend went badly frankly. it was just not what i wanted or expected, despite purposefully not having set any expectations for it. the only person i felt cared about my presence and active enjoyment was a.b.s., who had little to no problem bedding me or telling me he didn’t really want anything to do with me. i’m not exactly sure what to make of that without reaching the conclusion that i’m simply used for sex whenever he wants to or at the very least can be bothered to.

my friendship with matt has been gradually extinguishing as he continuously goes out of his way to put me down or interact with me negatively. this weekend, or really any day that i pick out, is no different. i am his friend when it is convenient for him. this is the same as a.b.s.. i criticise matt for it so heavily and want to distance myself without doing the same for the latter.

i’m trying to find a word to describe what friday night was – confusing, conflicting, strange? they don’t seem strong enough to describe the inner turmoil of the evening. between evergrowing resentment for the way that a.b.s. acts and the gradual realisation that i don’t feel appreciated by my friends – it seems my present relationships are at risk.

despite how much i usually enjoy celebrating my birthday, at least in some way, it feels moot. i can’t bring myself to enjoy time spent around people now that i’m aware of how little they care. all i’d like to do is spend it with a.b.s. who at the very least cares and understands me as a person – but that comes with about a million different questions that sadden me and to which i have no adequate answer or conclusion. my voiced choice today was to say i didn’t want to deal with it until september – something he was fine with until i still said i wanted to be involved until then. i don’t have the mental capacity to even attempt to try to understand any of the thoughts he has anymore, i’ve concluded that it’s not quite worth it.

///

it’s time for a new and yet familiar chapter of my life to return – focusing on myself and academics, prioritising myself and nothing else. it worked miraculously at 18, allowing me to get into my dream school, move to my favoured city, and start a life for myself that i was happy with. it’s time for the same thing to happen this month and by extension this year.

i will pass my sqe written exams this upcoming month while focusing on my physical and mental health, prioritising movement, eating and healthy habits over other people; and using my time to study and enrich myself.

i’m tired of doing everything for everyone else. there’s no need for it. if nobody truly appreciates it, i see no point anymore.

i won’t book dinner for my birthday on tuesday. i’ve already suggested it multiple times. whoever would like to see me on the day can reach out and offer to. i’m no longer subjecting myself to ridicule and rejection for no reason. it’s not fair to put myself through.

i have no doubt that i will find myself using this blog more and more as i adopt these new practices. i have also bought myself two pendant lockets that i hope will encourage me to continue choosing myself over other people.

i will always leave. i think people always assume i won’t because i try so hard. but there’s nothing i fear more than never feeling loved. one thing i can never refute is my resilience. reinventing myself is just another pattern in my life. a rebirth. a new start. it’s the only thing i’m great at.

the advantage when you’re somebody like me is that you can transfer that need to be cared for and loved onto virtually anybody. you can transfer all of the energy you’ve put into a person or people onto anybody else. i’ve never struggled with that.

i always lament about how people leave me, knowing full well that i do the same. i give up on people. i decide i want better. i attribute not changing because they know who they are (sometimes at least) as a defect and make the decision to leave. i see the best in people and when they don’t live up to it, i bolt. i’ve been unsure about a.b.s. for months, if you put my romantic feelings aside. if you cast my stubbornness and insistence aside, i haven’t been sure ab out him in a long time.

i need to be better so that people like me, i always have had to. other people don’t see this need. other people are fine with who they are. whether or not i think that’s a good thing for them in a long time. if people want to stagnate, it’s their right to.

a.b.s. will not choose me. i will have to let go of him. it doesn’t matter that he’s the only person who’s understood me in the past year. he’s not mine to dictate. it doesn’t matter that i think he could be more, if he doesn’t want to be. such is the case for any of my friends. i’m allowed to just leave.

///

i force myself into these corners in my life where i must stick by my decisions or simply walk away. usually, sticking by them includes an element of luck or good fate that never really occurs and thus, i walk away. i leave. i reinvent. i bolt.

i thought i had stopped relating to ‘the bolter’, and have purposefully gone months without listening to it. the words still echo in my mind.

With a quite bewitching face
Splendidly selfish, charmingly helpless
Excellent fun ’til you get to know her
Then she runs like it’s a race

[…]

And at first blush, this is fate
When it’s all roses, portrait poses
Central Park Lake in tiny rowboats
What a charming Saturday
That’s when she sees the littlest leaks
Down in the floorboards
And she just knows she must bolt

///

when i get a final inkling that people don’t care about me and they might leave, i must leave first. i keep giving a.b.s. the option to choose me because i want him to so badly, but he wont.

i didn’t want to relate to the tortured poets department this year. i thought the songs related to my breakup with james. turns out there’s a lot more to come. old habits die screaming.

wednesday june 25th. new moon in cancer tonight.

what i really would really like for myself, going into this new moon, or even just going into 25 next week, is to surround myself with people who show up for me, make an effort and make me feel appreciated.

too much of this past year has been focused on being present for other people, doing things for them and trying to please them without thinking about whether or not i like them or want to be around them.

people don’t tend to make an effort for me. i’ve booked a dinner for my birthday this friday and i’m fairly certain a.b.s. is going to be stuck with me alone since nobody else wants to join. everybody can afford to go out for other occasions, but my birthday it seems. beers have no monetary value when people request round after round at a pub on a random day, but god forbid they must make plans to attend my celebrations.

i try so hard for other people and it never really goes appreciated. not by matt, not by a.b.s, not by any of our other friends. i truly do hope that the new chapter of my life in london that includes work (sometime in the near future) incluides finding more people that will appreciate me. i’m getting very tired of not feeling enough for everyone else, by no fault of my own.

---

i’ve been putting off journaling as of late because i would need to reflect and write about a.b.s. – i’ve run out of useful things to say. i’ve given one last chance for my birthday, and i know it truly is the last. it feels different than it usually does. i haven’t even really thought about what would happen if he actually did step up – it seems too far-fetched even for me. i’d love to sit here and keep hoping but i no longer see a point. he gave up on me long before i gave up on him (not that i completely have at the moment i suppose, but set on the road to it). all i want is to feel appreciated and i’m not sure anyone in my life is making me feel that way right now. have i outgrown them? have i changed enough in the last year to not really have space in my life for them as they are?

all too often i find that people don’t have an interest in evolving or changing for the better. people are too comfortable staying in patters they claim to hate. a.b.s. will never step out of his comfort zone enough to care about me the way i need him to. many have little to no interest in actually becoming better people. i’ve stagnated this past year. there have been changes, without a doubt, but there has been little evolving that actually included other people. nobody has pushed me to better myself. nobody has made me want to become better. i’ve found it in myself every time.

as i told a.b.s. on sunday evening – i’m not okay with stagnating. i’m not okay with wasting time. i have a limited amount of time on this planet and i have things i want to achieve. a career i want to work, a family i want to raise, a man i want to love. i’m not comfortable with letting things ‘run their course’ and seeing where the cards lay. i decide what cards lay where. i decide what i want to do, and what i must do to achieve it.

i remember telling friends from university, probably exactly a year ago a few weeks past that if a.b.s. and i weren’t officially together by my birthday, i saw no point in continuing. it’s taken me a year to decide to stick by that. it’s somehow taken me a year to find the self-respect to demand and impose what i actually want. why would i ever be okay with being second best? or giving him an indefinite amount of time to figure out what i mean to him? it’s not difficult. he either cares enough to do something about it, or simply not enough. there’s no middle ground. there’s no grey area. it’s time i stop giving everyone the grace i am never accorded.

---

i’m feeling conflicted going into 25 – i know what i can achieve in the next year, how i can improve and better myself. i worry that the path there does not include a lot of what has brought me comfort this past year. i’m not sure it includes the same friends, the same patterns or same connections i currently cling onto. i’ve left it up to a.b.s. to decide if it includes him. the jury is still out for everyone else. i’m not entirely sure how much it includes matt in his current form.

as much as i love and crave change, the actual idea always terrifies me. planning for change terrifies me. it happens regardless of whether i want it to or not, especially in the introspective way, but i hate when i’m able to tell that positive change involves letting go of things i care about who don’t care enough about me back. letting go of a.b.s. terrifies me. and yet, it’s inevitable. i can’t even find it in myself to believe for a second that he’ll step up this weekend; that he’ll try; that he’ll tell me i matter too much to lose. against my volition, i will have to let go. same applies to matt and the rest of my ‘friends’.

i’ll repeat a sentiment i didn’t realise the importance of until i spoke it: “how you act affects me, and if you’re not going to care about how it does, i have to”. i didn’t know i had it in myself to utter that sentence to anyone until i said it in the pub. that i had the courage to actually verbalise that i need the person in front of me to care about me and how their actions affect me. i need friends who understand that and do care; i need a partner who cares enough to never want to hurt me, the same way i never want to hurt them.

i’m fragile. i have anxiety. i need to be taken care of. i do a lovely job of it myself, with no complaints. but i need the people around me to care enough to do the same. i try to take care of people in my surroundings because we all need some help – human beings rely on community; and i’m sick of being the only one who sees the value in it. if people want to be independent and do everything by themselves all the time, i welcome them to; i’m not sure i fit into their life in a significant way then.

i care about people. i make an effort – arguably, far too much of one. i try. i don’t feel like these things are particularly appreciated. i deserve better. i have no doubt that it is on its way and i will find it, it’s just a matter of when.

i’ve expressed this to a.b.s.. if he wants to be a part of it, and be better, and figure things out with me; i’ve given him a last opportunity to do so. this weekend will be telling; i’ll no doubt have to make some very important decisions next week, which is terrifying because of the loss it will bring, but exciting as it will allow for better things to flow into my life.

i have to choose myself if nobody else will. i can’t let other people be my only priorities.

when’s the last time someone called me beautiful? when’s the last time somebody looked at me and thought it? i have, most definitely. but when’s the last time somebody else has?

has a.b.s. ever? looked at me, sober (or at least mostly) and thought to himself that i looked pretty? that i looked beautiful? i’m not even sure he’s ever given me a compliment without me prompting it – not on my appearance at least.

when’s the last time somebody looked at me and thought ‘wow’ while i was still dressed? while i wasn’t wearing a lowcut top ort a short dress? where they just looked at my face and hair and into my eyes and thought ‘she looks beautiful’.

i’m not even sure when i last received an unprompted compliment. i find myself extracting information out of a.b.s. in an attempt to soothe myself but it’s losing its novelty.

i would say the last person who said it romantically was probably james? or even magnus i guess? although that was a lie to get me into bed. i don’t think james complimented me much after we moved to london – i was given the role of housemate, chef, writer, financier, planner, but never quite lover. i suppose that’s not entirely true given that we did have good moments in passing; but i can’t say i felt appreciated or loved. i don’t know that a.b.s. has ever made me feel that way. not recently at least.

have i ever really felt appreciated and loved? i’m not sure i’d have an answer for you right now. i don’t know if i set the bar for myself so high that even when others do give me the reassurance i want, it’s not enough; or if i just haven’t ever really felt it. i’ve felt desired, lusted over and wanted -not sure about how recently, but i’m sure i have. but i don’t think i’ve felt like anyone really understands me in a while.

i know that i always say that a.b.s. does, and that’s such a big factor in why i’m attracted to him and want to keep him in my life, but i’m not sure it feels that way anymore – the man i knew has pulled away so drastically that i’m not sure i recognise him sometimes. or rather, the parts of him that i always excused and overrode for positive things are more prevalent. it’s hard to feel like he doesn’t care about me unless he wants me to get undressed. it feels borderline reductive to say that, because i don’t think it’s just that either; but i think that’s what he considers it at this point. i can usually comfort myself and move on from the feeling, excusing it for my own anxiety and projection, but i don’t know how to do that right now.

for someone who is terrified and hurt so much by rejection, it’s been so incredibly common in my life. and yet i keep going for things, i keep trying. i used to think that was such a positive thing – my reluctance to give up. i’m not sure it is. it’s just more rejection.

things that are meant to be mine, will. things that are meant to find their way back to me, will. that includes a.b.s.

i think about myself in relation to him so much that i forget that independently from what he thinks of me and whether or not it will be with him, i’m destined for a good life. not destined as in written in ink somewhere, but destined in that i will make sure it happens. i will have a full life with a husband and children who love me, i will find a way to have a career while taking care of them and the other people around me, i will continue to be kind, and loving, and perhaps far too trusting, because i am already that person. i care with every fiber of my being about the things that matter to me. i make sure the people i care about feel it.

i’m intelligent, i’m terribly funny, i’m grounded (most of the time), i have a financial safety net to fall back on if needed, i’m ambitious, i’m caring, i’m loving, i’m kind – i’m lovely. if that is either not enough or too much for a.b.s., i’m not the problem. i’ve probably never been.

if a concept from years ago, or a long-distance relationship with someone else sounds like a better idea to him, i fear he’s just not as smart or logical as he claims or i thought he was. if he doesn’t think i’m worth making the effort of actually finding out how he feels, exploring something new, exploring feelings we both know he has – it’s his loss.

i know i lament over needing to find someone else with whom i connect and that understands me in the way he does, but the truth is that i felt that way with someone else before him, and will after him. there may not be anyone in my life right now that makes me feel the way he does, but there probably will be. i’ve known from the beginning i could find someone with whom this entire ordeal would be easier, simpler – with less emotional baggage and who would provide me with what i need effortlessly. i’ve known from the beginning that this would be an up-hill struggle and i was alright with that, because i’m him. frankly, i still am. that doesn’t go away overnight because i’m hurt.

i would still figure things out with him. i would make the effort. have the conversations, continue to love him while he learns how to love me, support him, figure out a life together. the distinction is that i don’t have to.

it oftens feels very ‘him or nothing’ because i feel i don’t have anyone better in my life. for the moment, i think that remains true, i think i can finally look past the image of him for what he is. unsure of himself and what he wants for his life, happy to not make improvements to better his life or others, unwilling to adapt or change. i won’t kid myself – i am still willing to be his. to figure things out. grow, or even not; make the entire situation easier for him. he won’t let me. he hasn’t up until now. it’s been weeks and months of me trying to break down barriers that are barely willing to be worked on. of trying to understand someone who hates when i do. who gets terrified the second i realise something about him he doesn’t want me to.

i adore him, as a person, as a friend, as a potential lover; but i can’t keep being the only one trying to make it work. i can’t be the only one who misses the other when we don’t talk during the day and want to reach out in the evening. i can’t be the only one who looks forward to the weekend purely to see the other. or to the evenings just for the potential of speaking to the other. i’m happy to do it, always, but i don’t want to be the only one anymore.

///

my love if you ever do read this, by some one-off strange occurrence, i still want you to be that person. we both know that you could do better with your life the way it is right now, and that you want to but are too afraid to or don’t know how. let me help. let’s figure it out. i’m asking you to take a chance on me; on us; on what we could be. i can’t promise it’ll be good or easy, but it will be worth it. we make each other happy and enjoy each other’s company. there’s no one else i’d rather do things or talk to than you. no one else i want to figure this out with.

///

the times we don’t talk, much like this (although much shorter period) usually brings some form of clarity to the situation for both of us – last time, i concluded i loved you. i’m scared of not reaching that conclusion again. i’m scared of letting go and missing out on us. don’t make me, please.

///

i should have a clear idea and decision about the events of the weekend, or even just a clue about how i feel at the moment. i truly don’t. not a single goddamn clue.

listening to ‘free now’ by gracie abrams after not having listened to it since last october feels ironically tragic. i guess i never quite understood just how much i could relate to the song until learning new information saturday night. i opened a can of worms that i can never close. usually a.b.s. is the one who throws us away, but it feels like i did this time.

“It’s a pain that I caught you at a bad time
It’s a shame that I memorized your outline
You were straight up with me, you were so kind
But I knew what you knew, honey, great minds
It was harsh ’cause I lost what I wanted
I was brave when I kissed you in London
We’re collateral here, man, we got hit
Hope you find somewhere safe for your baggage
Every page that I wrote, you were on it
Feel you deep in my bones, you’re the current
And I showed no restraint, it was something
I was scared until you made me love it”

/////

I interrupt my own post with the best news I have received in a long time – my friends had their baby daughter!! She’s the absolute cutest lil baby and I couldn’t be happier for them. Receiving the ‘Autie Ari now!’ text literally knocked some sense into me. I forget that there’s good going on in the world even when I can’t find it in myself to focus on it. I wish them nothing but the best an dhope I’m able to contribute in some helpful way.

/////

i’m going to return to studying. i took a lil break to reply to some texts (including one from one of my closest friends from uni telling me he’s visiting london the weekend after my birthday!) and try to process my feelings since i kept getting distracted by them but i think the key is just to power through. i was overthinking after the group call last night until i started playing a game and just dumping all of my thoughts out vocally to a friend. life is good if i just let it be. if i just don’t get caught up in everything going on in my head.

i’m not sure if this experiment will yield any positive results at all – my guess is that he doesn’t notice my absence in the slightest while i’m losing my head calculating scenarios, and it probably serves as a pleasant break away from me that’s going to make him realise he’s completely unaffected by me. i’m not entirely sure what this week will do for me either. i can feel myself slipping further and further away from him, i’ve been able to feel it for a little while now, and i don’t think i have the strength to keep pulling myself back.

when i wanted him to ask me to stay, it was because i needed a lifeline to feel like i wasn’t completely alone. he couldn’t provide it. i keep replaying conversations we had on saturday night and it all just hurts – positive things were said as well, easily the loveliest things he’s ever said to me; but they’re sandwiched in unintentionally hurtful comments.

drunk him knew that i wasn’t second or even third choice in this. that i existed not in comparison to others but paralelly and that he could choose me and be happy (his own words). sober him won’t admit that. even worse, now that he opened up he’ll be looking for the first out he can get, which i lovingly and openly provided (how smart of me!) with this ingenious experiment of mine.

“what if we take a week to see what it’s like when we’re not in each other’s lives?” what if we practice what i feel has become inevitable? what if i think about you all week and you don’t even have to deal with me? enjoy the ari-less week! so you can decide later on that you choose an ari-less life.

i do mean it when i say he’d regret losing me. i know that’s true in the long term. it’s inescapable. i’m not sure he’ll realise that enough for it to make a difference.

it’s kind of hilarious that the first person i really opened up to about my never being enough for people just completely forgot that i said that. just conveniently swept it away. it’s funny in a life-altering way that i was actually correct in this case as well. it’s not even that he doesn’t have any sort of feelings for me (because that’s at least being admitted now), but it’s that they’re not enough. i‘m not enough. i could overthink myself back into sickness really easily with the ammunition of saturday night. i’m already back to staying up far too late in hopes of just passing out in bed (what i usually consider our bed) to avoid being upset, and just not feeling hungry at all. things just feel bleak again.

last night it felt like this was the end for us. i’m not sure if it was a gut feeling or if i’m finally letting go. i think i’m actually really terrified of letting go. i’m not entirely sure why but it feels i’m gripping onto whatever i can to stay. i don’t know that i should anymore. the thought process used to be so easy – i have feelings for him (i’m sure there’s romantic love mixed in there but at this point i’m not sure to what extent) so i’ll keep waiting and hoping things turn out well. he’s made it clear he doesn’t really know how to do that. how to appreciate someone, how to care for someone, how to love someone. seems he can only get a grasp on feelings once it’s torn away from him. i don’t know whether i’m supposed to do it to him or not. it feels cruel.

i think knowing that it would affect him in some large capacity, whether now or just in the long term, is part of why i’m holding on. i don’t want to hurt him, ever. i don’t want to be the reason he’s up overthinking or negatively impacting him in any way. but he’s not really giving me a choice anymore. i need to be the one to decide to end us, and i can’t find it in myself to. or at least couldn’t – i don’t know if i could now. i used to be so sure that i couldn’t, but i know we’re getting closer to the scenario where i just give up on him. i think enough people have (including himself) and i didn’t want to ever add onto that list. i still don’t.

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i’m actually going to return to studying now. i have a colossal amount of material to get through today (hopefully). taking the time to write things out always helps. no wonder i was writing paragraphs upon paragraphs around christmas – nobody calms me down quite as well as i do.

i want to be a mother. a wife. i have a responsibility to be a person first as a woman. to have my own set of ideas and values and place in the world. this was always my problem with men who expected me to do nothing with my life but serve as a housewife. i can do more good than just that. i can have more ambition than purely that. i didn’t want to do that at 19, or 23, and much less as 25 is approaching. i want a love that respects me as an individual.

in the short term, while still pursuing a hope that i find a man who is able to one day be my husband, i still have my own responsibilities – qualifying to work as a solicitor. something i would be good at, serve a real purpose with and reap the benefits (again, ideally with someone).

i sometimes feel i’m trying to convince a.b.s. i fit into his idea of what he wants for himself but the reason nothing keeps changing is that he isn’t sure i do – which sorta begs the question, how can he be so sure if he doesn’t know what he wants for himself. the more i talk to him the more i realise he’s also lost himself in a concept of himself for the future, much like i have most of my life. this sense that you should be something, do something, you have to; but have no clue what it is. the more i learn about him the more similar i realise we are. maybe that is why i hold on so much, he still feels like the only person who really understands and sees me sometimes.

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i feel the need to do an update on life six months into the year: my romantic life is confusing but settled for the time being; i have never felt less connected to my family but i’m not sure i mind; i’m quite happy with the person i’ve become. i couldn’t describe any monumental changes besides just a feeling. that i’m doing well. and going to keep doing well.

i’m terrified for my upcoming exams, but also know that even right now, i’ve put in more work than i previously had – i’m just terrified it’s not going to be enough. i’ve at least gotten over the fear paralysing me mentally: i’m at my desk studying for hours every single day. i’ve become a lot better with my anxiety. turns out when you’re just being yourself 24/7 without constantly worrying about how people are perceiving you, life is a lot calmer. conversations with a.b.s. don’t feel so daunting when i can just say whatever is on my mind without worrying about coming off perfectly.

it’s quite nice to just focus on myself and my studies during the week. i forgot how much i adore having something to do constantly. it reminds me of studying for my bac exams at 18 hoping to get into university. (with the added pressure of living a body of water away from everyone who loves me)

i have people who love me in london. in their own ways. i’ve gotten better at recognising that as well. getting to listen to all of taylor’s swift’s discography the last few days has been lovely – it brings back so many feelings over the last 13 years of listening to her and relating to her music while still relating to certain feelings. it’s nice to express some of the more childish or teenage-angst-like feelings i feel sometimes. it makes it easier to be an adult.

i’ve been sleeping in more than usual (thank you nature for the menstrual cycle) which i’m not sure how i feel about it. i still have difficulty sleeping in the evenings – i genuinely do worry that i’m concerned about nightmares plaguing me. i’m not exactly sure why i still struggle so much. i feel like i can’t sleep until i’m literally going to pass out from exhausting. it must be said i haven’t particularly tried anything different though.

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i’m so lucky to have been able to listen to the archer live. the song came out six years ago and i discover new parts of it that feel relevant to my life. i love music. meet me in the afterglow.

i’m not entirely sure what’s gotten into me today. i feel i’m yearning. yearning for my future life as a mother, as a wife, as a person.

when i think about things that would make me happy or qualities i’d like to have, nothing relating to work comes to mind. not about finances, or ambition, or about spending my time in an office. all that comes to mind, really, when i think about what i want, is a family. something to call my own. people to provide for, to support, to talk to, to love. that’s what i want.

i keep finding ways to emulate that to the best of my abilities now. considering my friends my little family. i’ve long given up on any coherent idea of my existing one. it’s been rejecting me for as long as i can remember. i want my own.

i want a man to come home to me in the evenings, having decided on what dinner i would make for us, that is excited to unwind and spend the evening with me. i want to have a place to call ours, discuss the type of furniture to get, where to keep our books, what blankets to cuddle on the couch with. i want intimacy, and familiarity; love.

i want to wear little outfits around the house, cleaning and cooking so that the day is easier on both of us. i want to run errands and go for grocery runs and talk about recent events over a glass of wine with a special dinner. i want it to be easy.

in a few years, not entirely sure when, i want to surprise him with news of a pregnancy and have it received positively, both excited to have a tiny version of us in the world. not worry about whether it will grow up to make money or have a good job, but raise it to be kind, smart and happy.

i want serious. i want sure. i used to be able to see it really clearly with a.b.s. and there are times i still can. where i can easily picture him coming in after a day of work, happy to finally be able to relax, knowing that i’ve cooked us dinner. what i can’t picture is him coming in, kissing me on the cheek and being happy to see me. i can’t remember the last time i felt he was genuinely happy to see me. he’s turned the entire concept of us into such a confusing jumble that i think i’m mostly a chore to deal with. something to put up with.

i cant deal with feeling that way in a relationship. not again. not even with him.

it’s times like this that i know walking away is the best thing for me to do. the smart thing for me to do. to find someone who does appreciate me, and wants to come home to me. who understands and values what i want, and wants something similar.

he could be that man. i know he could. the ideal person, my dream partner, my future husband. but he’s not for the time being. i’m clinging onto that idea of future potential without truly accepting that he doesn’t see it in himself to truly ever pursue.

i want a nice, quiet life with him; but that’s not something on offer. it’s not something he’s willing to do. at least not with me, at least not right now. he’s not going to casually come over after work to see me just because i live closer, or over to dine with me. he’s not going to be happy to see me when he’s sick of everything else. i keep holding on to a pipe dream of normalcy with him. of ease. of love. he’s not offering any of those to me.

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i’m great at chasing after things that i want. i just need to keep a clear image of what that is. there’s no use chasing after something that’s going to keep making me miserable. i can’t do that to myself again. i can’t just be alright with being miserable for the sake of someone else.

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being on my period truly is a goddamn rollercoaster of emotions. of clarity, of feelings, or realisations. i’m sure i’ll change my mind the second i interract with him next, or even frankly in the next x unknown amount of time, i have no way of truly knowing. i can’t exactly talk to him about it either. i have to bear the burden of figuring out if this ‘realisation’ is a real one or a simple spur of the motion thought. i wonder if this is how he feels and why he’s so unsure. also fluctuating between wanting a future with me, or not. is he simply more honest with himself and me about it? am i just as unsure but clinging onto my projections of him? i suppose he is the most practical one between us, much more idealistic than i am, though he’ll never admit it.

perhaps it is best for me to follow in his footsteps and give up on us. he has a long time ago.

or do i hold onto the idea that he is a good man who could provide if he wanted to? that if he stepped up and finally took me, and us, seriously, we could be happy together. i have no doubt that we could do. like i told him once, it might be difficult at the start while we figure things out exactly, but it could be everything. i wonder if i should have given him the letter on valentine’s day, the ideal day to lay everything on the table. i worry i’ve condemned myself to keeping the idealistic, romantic thoughts within. i’m not allowed to drift into dreams when talking to him about us, doing my best to remain pragmatic and logical so that he takes me seriously. i miss when i could idealise him without a million alarms going off in my head. when i could love him, and it could be easy.

he’s the only one who can bring us back to that, but i’m not sure he wants to, or even has the capacity to. i hope he does. i hope he chooses to. i hope he steps up into what i need from him. the role of provider he claims he wants. i want it for him too. i can’t force him into it, nor do i wish to.

“i’ll drop a call later on” i suppose we’ll see. if he can live up to what i already think of him (a bit of a reach for a simple phone call lol). only time will tell. i’ve never thought we’d have a particularly simple story. i don’t think i’m destined for a simply ‘i met her and knew’ – i’m meant for something grander than that. whether or not it’s with him is his choice.

let’s see if i even receive a call later.

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evening update: taylor swift said it best, i never had the courage of my convictions. i can’t really help myself. i don’t really want to either. falling back into it is so simple and lovely.